Holding onto souvenirs is a bad idea

You may deny it a thousand times, but yes we were on a date that day. You see girl, spending two hours with a guy you met a few weeks back, having coffee and then dinner is technically a date. But yea you weren't your usual self that day. Stress at work was clearly showing on your face and I would have wanted to cheer you up and have a great time together. But I guess something at work was still troubling you. After desserts the waiter graced us with the bill. See now this is the time when the guy has his chauvinism on peak display. He just has to flash his credit card or fish out some high denomination note from his wallet. But you wouldn't let me do either. I would have settled the bill but you insisted on sharing and to prove your point you left a hundred rupees note on the table. Lady that is a generous tip to pay at a not-so-fancy restaurant and I think I cut the waiter's joy short when I took it back. You wouldn't take it back either, so for lack of options I kept it with me.

Little did I know that that note would become a souvenir for me. A reminder of that first date with you and a forerunner of good times to come. Yes I yearned for a good time together and maybe a good future too hoping that things would become more meaningful between us. But that calling never came. You chose to move to another city and I knew I could not make a long distance relationship work. This is what I learned later : Proximity rules! You just can't drift away, try to keep in touch and expect to get back together some day. Proximity gives a chance to nurture things and be cautious when things go wary. But you were never to give me that chance, were you?

The night before you left, I told you that I still see good things ahead and that there could be an "us". I knew because I would have worked towards it but you had your doubts. I could see myself losing the ground. Denial was something which I wasn't fully prepared for. In an attempt to salvage things, I reminded you of our date and how I still have that hundred rupee note with me. I told you I would keep it with me for ever, never spend it and you could help me by signing your name on it. I would keep it as a souvenir with me for my entire life. I am happy you obliged but that happiness was short lived when I saw what you had written. "Best wishes ... " is all that you could come up with ... making all my previous words seem empty.

That should have been a final good bye for us. And I wish things could be that easy for me, but now that note had become my prized possession. I told myself never to spend it or damage it in any way. I kept in my wallet for good luck. "Best wishes" is what you wrote on it remember!

Years went by and every time I saw it I would be reminded of the series of events. No they did not trouble me any more. I had learnt to deal with it but yes the fact that I still held onto some weird connection with the past made me feel if at all I would ever have that courage to step forward and tread on the path life laid ahead.

And one day it was gone! A moment of shock was followed by a sinking feeling of how could I have possibly managed to lose it. As I later found out, my younger sister had taken it out of my wallet for some urgent need of cash. She wouldn't have known the price of that note. Not at all! It was priceless for a lot of reasons and now it was gone. I could have grieved longer but it was then I realised that holding onto it was actually holding me back. Learning to let it go was not something that I was prepared to do but I managed to cope with it. It no longer troubled me that it was gone now. I was indeed holding onto it for no real reason. Just an urge to dwell in the past and escape reality for some time. I was not angry at my sister for touching my stuff, I was not blaming fate for turning out things the way they were now and I was not yearning to get back to what was before.

I have come a long way since I had tough luck with love. Time heals and things change but this therapy works only if you don't have that urge to hold onto anything. Memories, memorabilia, gifts, cards ... nothing is worth holding onto when it is all over. Learn to let go. Seems difficult but not entirely impossible.

Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

Went into the meeting anyway
Thinking am I the scapegoat of the day
Came out feeling better, not one bit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

Sit down he said its going to take long
And I think I could hear someone play the funeral song
The cold vibe I was getting, just did it
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

He went on to tell me all that I did not do
No weekly reports, No timesheets, No lack of initiative will do
No this no that, every excuse to deem me unfit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!!

You analyse well, design and code well too
But your review mistakes no one can undo
You also need to improve on the technical bit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

He wasn't even started yet on project quality
He could have dished out my mistakes till eternity
For all those messed up things he faced in audit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

I wondered am I that bad at it
All the toil now seems like exploit
All the good work and no credit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

And then he says look on the brighter side
You are bad no doubt but worse could be it
And I see no improvement one tad bit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

As the discussion drooled along
I prayed god make me strong
Today he wasn't handing me a clean chit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

Out of the meeting now and I feel lighter
Maybe wiser and somewhat happier
Only to realise that all this is bullshit
But for the record ... my appraisal got hit!!

These were few things on which I pondered
Its not that bad is what I wondered
Four years now, am waiting for my gold biscuit
Who cares if my appraisal got hit!!

Vineyard Weekend

I am a huge movie buff and if it were a good movie with great actors and awesome direction, chances are that I have already seen it. And so I was watching this movie on HBO, A Good Year, starring Russel Crowe. The movie shows how he has a very fast pace life in London where he works as an investment banker. He is too busy making money and has no time to rest. He learns that his uncle has left him a chateau and some vineyards in France and has intentions of selling off the property. He couldn't possibly live there as his life was in London. So the property dealing takes him to this beautiful chateau which brings back memories of his childhood and how his uncle taught him the fine art of wine tasting. He had a passion for wines then which somehow got lost as he grew up. He is in for a whole lot of surprises when he lands up at his chateau and ends up living there for a week. This is when he comes to realise how great rustic life can be. He discovers love, a fulfilling laid back life and a legacy of wine making which eventually makes him give up his London dreams.

The movie is wonderful, no doubt. But it made me all the more curious about wines and vineyards. The wine industry is making it big in India especially in the city of Nashik. The cool climate and favorable soil conditions have made it possible to cultivate wine grapes and produce wine of the finest quality. The more I heard about wineries in India the more curious I was to visit such a facility. And no sooner did I discover this place at just a stones throw from my uncle's home in Nashik. Well it had been around for many years, but I guess it was only now that I cared to notice.

In a recent weekend trip to Nashik, I made it a point to visit this place. We all hopped into the car and headed for the vineyard just outside the city limits. It was cool and a bit windy. The sun shied behind the clouds making for a perfect weather for a small trip like this.

With just few kilometers of drive, I realised what this city had to offer which my hometown did not. Heavy industrialization in Pune has left the surroundings barren. One does not get to see the greenery around. This, coupled with wider roads and taller buildings, has changed the landscape beyond recognition. The road I was driving on was a complete contrast. Lush greenery with cultivated land all around made this rustic landscape very pleasant.

The drive was a short one as we made it to the vineyard in about half an hour. What struck us first, was the location. Acres of vineyards surrounding the facility, which was slightly on higher land such that it overlooked a nearby dam and its vast water reservoir. It wasn't a very big place, but boasted of a fine dine restaurant, a lounge, a terrace top hotel and of course their wine processing and bottling plant. We were eagerly greeted and encouraged to have a look around. They had quick tours of the facility followed by a wine tasting session for a nominal price. My family was interested in seeing around but a bit apprehensive about drinking wine, especially my mom. But my persuasion helped and everyone agreed.

The tour was a quick one, but the escort made it a point to explain the entire process, from plucking to crushing grapes to bacteria seeding to fermentation to stabilization to ageing to bottling, in great detail. It is a long drawn process and the wine gets better as it ages. We had many questions, some presumptions, some inhibitions but as we talked on, we got to know more details about how to store wine, what age is right to consume it, et al. I also got busy with clicking some snaps around the place.

After spending enough time in the wine manufacturing section we headed to the lounge for wine tasting session. This promised to be the most exciting part of the trip. The lounge was a pretty cool place with tables made from wooden barrels and many varieties of wine bottles on display. I guess the shape and color of these bottles is just one dimension that arouses peculiar interest in alcohol. Though the taste and after effects of consumption may not appeal to all. The session had six varieties to offer. Each one served in small portions. They started with simple etiquette about holding the glass by the stem, and then swirling the wine in it followed by instructions to taking in the aroma. We learnt to tell a wine glass from a champagne flute and also something as basic as telling a red wine from a white. It was something very unique and very enjoyable. I felt I was a wine connoisseur and with my wisdom on wines and years of experience in wine tasting, I could make critical comments on what I was tasting. But I was only kidding myself.

That was just the beginning. we had five more varieties to try. As the escort explained each variety, with the kind of grape it is made from and how it matures as it ages, we could feel the difference in tastes. Some were tangy, some smooth, some too young to enjoy, some the right age to be deeply appreciated. Words like Cabernet Sauvignon, Sauvignon Blanc, Rose wine, Sparkling wine started making their way into the conversation. Well, they didnt mean much to me, because all I knew was there is a red wine and a white wine and both are pretty expensive!

Rain gods blessed us while we were half way through. The entire landscape transformed into something surreal. I don't know if it was magic in the air or the wine had made me tipsy, but I was soaking in all that mother nature had to offer. Rain drops and wine drops alike. No sooner had the wine tasting started we got busy with photographs, everyone wanted one taken as they sipped on the varieties. My sister and cousins were enjoying it, so was my dad, but my mom was wary that a little would be too much. We don't have a drinking culture in the family, so seeing the entire family enjoying the experience and having no inhibitions about tasting alcohol was something different all together.

I had a chat with few people at the facility. They explained how India is now opening up to wines and people prefer it when dining and consume regularly for it medical benefits. Things are changing and they want to be the first ones to be there and establish themselves as a premium Indian wine brand. I thanked them for their hospitality, marvelled their wonderful facility and geared up to cherish the great experience . I told them about the Russel Crowe movie and how that stirred my interest. Ironically they had not heard of it. Seems Hollywood has a long way to go, if it were to reach rural India. They promised to put it in their must-watch list. I hope they will watch it soon.

With a bagful of memories to carry home and a glassful of wine in my system, we started back. I think I was physicologically high. I knew some wine wouldn't make me tipsy but the trip was definitely intoxicating me. Am sure others were under some influence as well because my sister blabbered something which I did not understand and I said something back which again I did not understand. Maybe the wine was having its effect after all.

While driving back my sister said something in complete senses though. She said that maybe I should meet a few prospective brides right away. Now that the wine had got me, I just might say yes. We all had a big laugh after this. And the joke got almost practical when, on our way back, we saw a wedding procession. She then said maybe they should kidnap the groom and put me in his place. It didn't matter who the bride was or how she looked! More guffaws in the car followed. I guess this will be one helluva trip to remember for days to come. Of course I took these marriage proposals as a joke. It will take more than a glass of wine for me before I say "I do".

All that I loved and lost

One day I found myself doing a curious introspection and was asking myself when or how exactly did I encounter this thing called love. Was it really love or sometimes disguised as a crush or a prolonged infatuation. I did some retrospection and let my memory take me back in time for a few months. Then a few years and then a few more. Things started pouring in as if someone had released the floodgates. If my memory serves me right, my encounter with this strange emotion dated as back as my school days.

Her name was Sandhya and we were in class seven. I blew her a kiss one day. No she wasn't watching and I realised what I had just done. Moment of shock soon turned to a smile on my face as I had just sensed the sweet feeling. But this was no more than a stupid infatuation followed by thoughtless action. Good that she never came to know about this.

A year down the line, she had left school. I wasn't exactly heartbroken. It had survived to be broken another day.

Soon enough the sight of Justine made me forget all about Sandhya. Justine was so gorgeous and I really thought she had the coolest job in the world. I'd watch all episodes of Lonely Planet which she hosted. Sometimes I'd wish she appear out of the tv and sit right in front of me. Travel and adventure was her life and through that show I could see the world while enjoying the company of a beautiful lady. A few episodes later Megan also joined the show. I liked her too. But for me, it had to be Justine.

If you still think that these were stupid infatuations, you are right. It took me a few more to eventually realize that there is more to it. Yes ... I am getting there.

Back in college, I really had one huge crush. The only problem was the whole college was crazy about her! Tough luck, but I managed a good friendship. A friendship good enough to keep me company on farewell evening, dancing to the disco tunes followed by a quiet dinner. Haven't seen her since graduation but I am sure she must be doing just fine. Did I forget to mention her name? She was Prati, my college crush for three years.

Graduation changed my life for good. I was ready to face the world. Had a new job that put me on the way to financial independence. And I was enjoying the work and the occasional "distractions" at office. I am not going to bore you with the names but yes, of them probably Geeta is one name that pops up among others. Rarely you come across such perfect combination of beauty and brains. I could not believe how multi faceted a person can be. Paintings, poetry, culinary skills would just be few to start with. Wouldn't really call it love or infatuation. Lets just say I cherish her friendship.

And then there was Sachi. Oh girl you taught me exactly how pride and snooty or sometimes curt behavior does no good to anyone. But I'd still admire you for having such good conversations with me. Maybe because I am a sweet talker or you are a good listener. The later one is probably correct. You were the kind of girl anyone would like to be seen with. I still get comments from my colleagues for that one time they saw me having coffee with you. What happened over coffee is something I'd rather leave to their imagination.

Do you think I am saving the best for the last? Well yes I am. Cause this was when I realised that all that I had been chasing so far were simply infatuations and the illusion wears away in no time. But with Megha, things were definitely different. I thank her for making me realize the difference between infatuation and love. Yes I now know what this strange emotion is. It is when you realise the other you. It completely brings out a different personality in you. A hidden side that you never realise. Things change for ever. I could feel them and see a long road ahead with her. I wanted to travel all along, do whatever it takes to make things work. Maybe she never made any promises but I went for it with all the faith I had. Few years down that road, I turned to my side and realised that I was alone. She had let go and gone separate ways. Wont blame her for her choice, but I cried on my plight for days to come.

So I guess with my retrospection complete, the search is still on. When, where or how exactly you come across this thing called love is a mystery. You could find it in the strangest of places and within most odd of circumstances. And as I look back now, any of these girls might have been worth the wait. Except Justine and Megan of course. People just don't pop out of television, do they! But I am past that point. That's what the book of life is all about. You close one chapter to start a new one. I will too. But maybe keep a few bookmarks on pages as reminders of what I may have loved and lost.

Those Moral Shades Of Gray

Throughout the growing years, a child is taught about the right from wrong, the virtues from the vices. Parents fiercely shield their kids from any harm that bad things can cause, teaching them high morals and struggling at making them better persons.

Probably they are so busy teaching them the good stuff, that they forget to teach them to identify and fight anything wrong. These kids step out into the world thinking that it is the safest and the most noble place, thanks to the pre-notion of the goodness instilled in them over the years. Things can change ugly pretty soon and then starts the struggle to find a morally right way to live the life ahead.

I am no different. I am usually on the morally good side of things. At least I am not known to lie, cheat or betray anyone. Given a situation, I can be trusted to be on the right side of things. This has helped bring out a strong positive side of me and with it comes a binding that I should not do any wrong.

But I am fed up of being good all the time. It is a virtuous way of life, but at the same time it is banal and very unadventurous. Being dictated by morally right way of things irks me sometimes. Being good all the time does not excite me as much as being a little bad would!

I don't want to be able to say yes to things all the time, when inside I am screaming to say no. Being curt at times should be the right thing to do. Maybe show some arrogance and attitude to get things done my way. Surely a little rudeness can do me no harm. When it comes to trust in relationships, would a little betrayal be that fatal? Maybe I could venture into it when I can see that things aren't going to work out. Why care for something when there isn't much to salvage. Will indulgence be that great a sin, if there are no strings attached? Will a little greed for more luxurious things in life, label me as vile for the rest of my life? Wanting more, being able to achieve it by whatever means possible and taking pride in the achievement; are these deemed to be strict no-no sins as well!

I think I have enough goodness in me to be able to venture into this dark side and come back unscathed after the debacle of being sinful for some time. I would want to spend some time in these moral shades of gray and realize how much bad is good enough. Draw a line to being as much sinful as possible, experience the thrill and adventure to be there and back. All in the process of understanding the good from the bad.

How else can I appreciate the goodness in me without coming face to face to my dark side and re-emerging virtuous?

His world of standups : The long and short of it

After the success of a series of comedy reality shows, stand up comedy was getting a new recognition in the country. Anybody who was a nobody, but had observed life in all its aspects to represent it in a likable, rib tickling, unique style wanted his fifteen minutes of fame. Rehman was ecstatic about this. He knew he was better than most and was sure that destiny had a plan for him to make it big in the stand up world.

A few rejections at auditions did not deter him and he put relentless efforts for the next ones. But he soon realised that he was never to make it that far. His mediocre family background did not allow him to pursue sky high dreams without leaving ground. Realising that soon enough, he decided to use his talent to earn him a living. He was soon making laughter riots at a local bar. His keen observation of the world around him, his knack to feel the pulse of his city, Mumbai, gave him enough fodder to present acts of the finest quality. The twisted alleys of Mumbai had never seen such a upfront portrayal of their world, but they were loving every minute of it.

And though his fame had not spread beyond those gallis and mohallahs, and the measly income he got for his stand up acts wasn't enough to make his life a tad bit better, he found solace in making people laugh and forget their woes for a moment. The people who cheered for him were boys from local restaurants, the occasional rickshaw wallas and people selling food at small road side shops. Everyone had their struggles in life and their agony found the right antidote while hearing Rehman perform. They would put their troubles behind as they watched him mimic their favorite actors and best loathed politicians. Rehman had a impeccable timing which left the audience asking for more. He was certainly not a jack of his trade, but a master in his own sense. And after making people laugh out loud, till they dropped off their chairs and rolled on the floor, he would make a quiet exit and disappear behind the makeshift stage and into the alleys of his neighborhood.

His humor was the only thing that kept him going. His own life had become nothing more than a foul joke. A joke played by destiny and left alone by fate to bear the consequences. Amidst struggling to make ends meet, Rehman was diagnosed with cancer at a stage where he did not have the luxury to be treated. It wasn't too late, but he just could not afford it. The ongoing medication was diminishing his meagre savings faster than he could replete them again.

He could see it coming . But did not let his plight affect his performance on stage that day. In the true showman spirit, he made a larger than life entry on the stage and started with flair. Occasionally wiping off the beads of sweat from his face, he delivered a very likable caricature of a local goon. People laughed at this portrayal of a man who otherwise could inflict enough terror in their hearts. The act became all the more hilarious when the goon got elected and was storming his way into the assembly. People could not take enough of it. The flawless act, bringing the grays shades of crime, politics and an entire satire on life in a city like Mumbai, was show stealer of the night. People laughed and clapped and hooted for every punch line Rehman had to offer.

Rehman finished with a bang and ran backstage only to break into an uncontrollable fit of convulsive cough. The pain was unbearable, he could feel the walls closing in on him. He wanted to cry for help, but the thunderous clapping muffled his coughs and cries. He fell to the ground, waiting for his last breath to pass, while people shouted out his name for an encore.

They say laughter is the best medicine. But this was one medicine, Rehman knew, could not cure him. Instead he chose to cure worries and frustrations of everyone else in those alleys and make them forget harsh realities of life albeit for just a few minutes. This messenger of laughter had done his job and he looked up to the moonless sky above as he closed his eyes for the last time. He knew he would not be making the encore.

Each day is my second chance

I know I made you feel awkward, when I turned up at your doorsteps and made a clumsy proposal. That was the best I could do. I wasn't thinking the right from the wrong nor anything about the perfect from the disaster that day turned out to be. I kept calling you, begging you to come downstairs and meet me. But you didn't.

I had brought roses for you that day. Hoping they would say things better than I would and the card they carried, had a song written on it. Something which I would have wanted to sing to you, but mustered enough courage to barely write it down. You petrify me. One look and my heart is beating faster, perhaps even missing a few beats. I can feel the ecstasy in the air. All this and more and I wish there were a better way to explain myself.

The wait would have been worth it. But you did not turn up. Confused, afraid, fuming or even disgusted? I wouldn't have known. But I chose to give it some time and as days went by you could see the other side of me. Appreciate me for who I am and may have even forgiven my clumsy moments. 

Despite the fiasco, you are still here with me today. I really want to know. Would I have made an impression on you that day? Would my "charms", if I were to call them so, have worked on you? Don't answer that. I wouldn't know what to do if you said No. But you are still here. That should mean something. Its been a few months since and I want to make a confession today.

I realise that all I did for you that day was not a farce, not some cheap trick that I was trying to pull off. But winning you over was the most sane thing I could have thought in recent time. I thank you for not flicking me away from your life as some insignificant thing. And with that came some hope and I am in pursuit, willing to go far to see if my charms ever work on you because yours sure have had their effect on me. So until you say yes, each day is my second chance.

See Through My Eyes

I happened to see this scene from a movie starring Russel Crowe, seemed like an old movie, he was quite young in it. Nevertheless, this is not about Crowe, but in the scene he was giving directions to his friend to point and shoot a picture of him in the frame. The guy clicking the photo was a blind person. He was a blind photographer asking people in front of the camera to tell him where to point and he would just capture the picture on count of three. Interestingly this got me thinking and have been toying with the idea for a blog since. I did not follow the rest of the movie. I am sure it must have been good. But the thoughts started rolling for a good blog. Lets see how far I reach with this....

He had surrendered to life. Not that he struggled for as long as he could. But he finally came to terms that he could never see again. The darkness around him must have been haunted with flashes of the horrific accident that left him sightless. Its sometimes shocking to see what life can turn out to be in a split second. The inevitable could have been avoided had he seen the advancing vehicle coming from the opposite direction. But now all he had for himself, was the darkness and a white cane to find his way.

He was quite lucky though, to have friends and family who looked after him well and never made him feel lonely or lost. They wanted to make sure that he always had something to look forward to in life. But all they could really do was be the support, should he need it. It was up to him to really get back to his life. And getting back to a life of darkness wasn't exactly what he really wanted.

All had gathered that day to celebrate his twenty fifth birthday. There was a frail sign of happiness on his face that day. Everyone cheered but no one could really lighten up his face. He should have been happy. But he wasn't. After dinner they all settled to open the presents that were brought for him. He thanked people for their kind gifts but wondered whether he would ever be able to see how beautiful they were or even find some use for them. The last gift was from his friend. He opened the box to find something heavy inside. He took it in his hands to feel it for himself. Even before he could ask what it was, she answered "Its a camera". After a long pause, he broke down into tears. Of what use could a camera possibly be to him. He thought it was a cruel joke. A mockery of his plight. She consoled him. She said she was sorry, but this camera was something which she had bought for him quite some time back. She wouldn't have known what was to come. What she did not tell him, was she wanted to win her way into his heart by giving him something special. She had their initials etched onto the camera. What hurt her now, was that he would never know, and she did not have the courage to tell him, should he turn it down assuming that she was doing him some kind of favor. She simply insisted him on keeping the camera.

Months passed. The camera was still new. The box unopened. The gift forgotten. She wanted him to embrace it and have no inhibitions about his blindness. One day she made him sit besides her and feel the camera. Understand how it worked and how it could bring into perspective the things that were around us. As she explained to him, he felt her soft hands caress his. He felt something in a long time. Something that would give him hope, a reason to live and look forward to new things in life. He agreed to use the camera. Still unsure when he would say "Say cheese" and click a snap of someone in front of him. Rather they came up with a different way to click the picture. The person standing in front of the camera would give directions as to where he stood and ask him to click the camera on a count of three. She was delighted to pose for his first picture. With a little to the left and a little up, she asked him to click her snap at count of three.

Over time, he really got hang of taking pictures this way and be it intuition or brilliant judgement, he always got a wonderful portrait of the person in front of him. Capturing rare emotions which are lost sometimes when people get too conscious to see a camera on their face. But here, they were a part of the process and enjoyed it very much. Many admitted that these were some of their best pictures ever taken. All this gave a new light to the darkness in his life. He could not thank her enough. But there was also something else he wanted to tell her. When he felt her hands when trying to get familiar with the camera, he also felt something wonderful for the first time. And though he remembered her face and admired how beautiful she looked, he guessed that getting to know her with just her touch or her sweet gentle voice had pushed him over the edge. He was in love. 

He decided he would tell her that day. She had helped him put up an exhibition of all the portraits that he had clicked. People were just in awe of how wonderful all the pictures were. They could not stop talking about it and congratulate him. He graciously accepted their wishes but could not wait to talk to her. After some time, when they were alone in the gallery, he took out his camera and asked her to smile for him. And no, he did not wait for a count to three. He just imagined her beauty and clicked a photo. He showed it to her and said "I want to see you smiling like this for the rest of my life. Would you ... ". She was looking at her best smile ever. She turned to him and said "Don't say another word. The answer is Yes!". He smiled and taking her by the hand, he ran her fingers over the initials etched on the camera and said "I guess you made the first move". She blushed and sealed their love with a kiss.

They got married a month later and though now he sees the world through her eyes, none can see it the way he does when he clicks his camera. Ironically, he would never see the photographs or the people that he clicked. But the appreciation he would get for them made every moment of his life worthwhile.

Walk Me To My Grave

Its a poem this time... not my first one though. About someone who has not been fortunate to have anything going right in his life. Just painful memories of futile struggle till failure. Here it goes ---

Woke up to a life of hardships

Each turn a test of strength and wits

Struggles kept wearing me out

Ruthlessly watching as I painfully shout

Bereft from home

I was struggling alone

As job milestones felt like a feat

Each year seemingly impossible to meet

Personal life was also a mess

With troubles I wish I could take less

And even love shied away

Never to bring me the glorious day

They say its better to have loved and lost

Than not have loved at all

Nothing but an optimist's muse, I'd say

Have to live with the loss at the end of the day

Life reduced to an aimless wandering

A ship without sails and minutes from sinking

Searched for success here and there

Made friends with failure everywhere

Maybe life is as good as it gets

But for me, it's just full of regrets

Can't take it, I am not that brave

Its time to walk me to my grave

This fruitless life deserves to die

That truth I cannot belie

Be the support no one gave

Please walk me to my grave