(This story is in continuation to "The Negotiator". Please catch that first if you haven't already done so!)
"Redemption", I replied. And as I gazed back into Bala's eyes, which met mine with a bewildered look, I already knew what I had to do. I had spent past few minutes of my life trying to gather enough courage to do this. And I let myself off the bridge. Bala never would have got the time to react and I could see the horror in his eyes as I fell away and beyond his sight.
Gravity did its job. The faithful friend hadn't betrayed, I thought to myself. The expected, yet unexpected, fall got my adrenaline pumping. In that rush, time seemed to slow down and so did my heartbeats, as I started registering things happening around me. The enormous steel structure of the bridge over me was shrinking in its demeanor and at an alarming rate at that. The dark moonless sky above granted an overwhelming sense of volume and how small I stood in comparison. I could feel the chills of the night and the gust of the wind tumultuously playing with my hair and jacket. The flutter only got louder and more prominent as I plunged down further.
As the view around me shrunk as time went by, a familiar face seemed to call out to me for a final rendezvous. Boy was I glad to see her after so long. The serene look on her face and the innocence in her eyes seemed to sooth me. But as I looked closer, a small tear drop rolling down her face caught my eye. What had she done to deserve it. And I knew no one was to be blamed for that, but me!
My thoughts raced to the day I met her. A chance meeting at the museum, the least likely place I would have ever imagined to meet someone like her. I guess the mutual interest in semi-precious stones and natural crystals sparked something between us. I stole at glance at her from across the glass enclosure, while she was busy looking at these glittering pieces of natural beauty. Each with a story of its own. "An Amethyst attracts good luck and love and also helps calm you down", I said nonchalantly as I walked up besides her, looking at a captivating crystal in front of us. I never knew my casual knowledge about gems and minerals would ever help me break the ice. "It sure does and you should wear one too if you are an Aquarius", came a coy reply. I smiled to look at this girl who was clearly more into gems and zodiac signs than me. The casual chat lasted for long and I knew I had met someone special.
We soon discovered there was more to us than amateur gemology or make believe zodiacs. Life was never going to be the same for me for the next couple months were almost surreal. It was the best thing to happen to me and I was really lucky to have someone like her in my life. But as time went by, she wanted more from the relationship until she finally dropped the "M" bomb on me. I freaked out a bit I guess. Marriage was not on my mind, not yet at least. But no matter how hard I tried to tell her, she was already carried away into the fantasy. I wanted to build a career for myself. Marriage and family would always come later for me. Love and Marriage were absolutely two different things for me. But nothing I spoke would convey what I really wanted to say. And so I played along. She wanted a gala wedding, so I fabricated one for her. She wanted a picturesque life, so I painted one for her. She wanted surreal things to make her life complete, and I lied on every occasion just so that I could avoid telling her the truth. Things would take care of themselves said my naive mind, which was ill-equipped to deal with a situation like this.
The next I know, I was walking up to her bed side that morning. She was unaware of my presence. I was going to call it quits, but didn't have the courage to face her. I left her a note, saying that I was moving on, moving to a different city to take up a new job, and that it was best for us not to see each other or try to get in touch. That was very blunt of me, I didn't even bother to leave a contact number or a way to get in touch. I guess I knew of an email id which I was never going to check ever again and a number which I was never picking up calls from.
I left her to pursue a high flying career and never wanting to be shackled to a life which she so dearly wanted. Marriage was never on my mind, not at the time at least. For me, my career was soon becoming the only thing that I would work towards. I wanted to build something for myself. Maybe I was being selfish, but that was the way ahead, that I saw and chose to tread on. I would not have known what havoc that letter would unleash on her. I would not have imagined what pain it would inflict on her. I would not have perceived that I would be the one to bring down the world around her like that. Never did I want to push her to the edge. Things are probably happening for the best is how I consoled myself. I would never have known that my betrayal would cost her her life.
I was detached from her world, hot on trails of a career that I was chasing. I threw myself into the process and never ceasing until I climbed a step of the corporate ladder and then another. I was being blinded by my ambition, fueled by my hunger to make it to the top. A year down the line, I came to know of what had befallen her and how she choose to embrace death, tired of waiting on me and the depression I caused had driven her to the edge. I was in disbelief but at the same time denying that I had anything to do with it. The note I left was the final closure for me. She should have known better. A life isn't something you throw away. But how do you explain that to someone whose entire reason to be, had become you. I had failed to realize what we meant to each other and that it were still possible to chase my dreams with her by my side. That moment hit home and I was for loss of words.
It was too late to do anything about it. I was guilty as hell but instead of mulling over it, I chose to lock that past away in deep recesses of my mind and continue life as I knew it. Diving deep into work was the only way I knew to do something about it, and so for the next couple years or so I just worked and worked and worked, alienated from friends and family, spending holidays at work and vacations at home working on future projects and important office matter. I was successfully escaping my past until today when I met Bala and realized the true meaning of the word "Betrayal". Not only had I betrayed her by refusing to be a part of her life, but that denial made me keep true happiness out of my life as well. The journey would have been priceless if she were with me every moment of the way. The memories we would create over time, would have been a mirror into our lives and what it meant to both of us. I was a fool trying to measure success by my bank balance and job promotions. I thought I was better off with no emotional baggage but that hadn't made me strong in any way. If anything, I was a coward trying to run away from my past. I was a failure at life by the same degree as I was successful at my profession. All that success was a facade around me that came crashing down when I realized the terrible consequences of my thoughtless actions. My last goodbye to Bala reassured me that the thing I was about to do, would redeem me from all this. My hands waved him a silent goodbye as I promptly obeyed gravity.
I braced for contact. The sight of the bridge was almost a blur when the ice cold water rushed around to gulp me down. The eventuality of my actions was finally here. My outstretched hands tried to grab onto something ... anything ... to pull me out to safety. The impact should have killed me, but in a cruel act of mercy, I had survived for some more time to soak in whatever was still to come. The unforgiving cold water brutally gripped me, crushing any hopes of escape. Not that I had any intentions to do so. With the murky water splashing around me, obscuring my senses, I surrendered to the inevitable. I have been consumed by selfishness, riddled with guilt, running from my past with little success, trying to make amends, all the while failing to realize that the thing I thought would hold me back would have been the best thing to liberate me and fulfill a happier, more complete life. All of this comes to an end as I finally make peace with this life. If you can hear me, here is what I have to say, "Sorry for all that I did, and hope to see you on the other side".
