As Life Flashed By

(This story is in continuation to "The Negotiator". Please catch that first if you haven't already done so!)

"Redemption", I replied. And as I gazed back into Bala's eyes, which met mine with a bewildered look, I already knew what I had to do. I had spent past few minutes of my life trying to gather enough courage to do this. And I let myself off the bridge. Bala never would have got the time to react and I could see the horror in his eyes as I fell away and beyond his sight.

Gravity did its job. The faithful friend hadn't betrayed, I thought to myself. The expected, yet unexpected, fall got my adrenaline pumping. In that rush, time seemed to slow down and so did my heartbeats, as I started registering things happening around me. The enormous steel structure of the bridge over me was shrinking in its demeanor and at an alarming rate at that. The dark moonless sky above granted an overwhelming sense of volume and how small I stood in comparison. I could feel the chills of the night and the gust of the wind tumultuously playing with my hair and jacket. The flutter only got louder and more prominent as I plunged down further.

As the view around me shrunk as time went by, a familiar face seemed to call out to me for a final rendezvous. Boy was I glad to see her after so long. The serene look on her face and the innocence in her eyes seemed to sooth me. But as I looked closer, a small tear drop rolling down her face caught my eye. What had she done to deserve it. And I knew no one was to be blamed for that, but me!

My thoughts raced to the day I met her. A chance meeting at the museum, the least likely place I would have ever imagined to meet someone like her. I guess the mutual interest in semi-precious stones and natural crystals sparked something between us. I stole at glance at her from across the glass enclosure, while she was busy looking at these glittering pieces of natural beauty. Each with a story of its own. "An Amethyst attracts good luck and love and also helps calm you down", I said nonchalantly as I walked up besides her, looking at a captivating crystal in front of us. I never knew my casual knowledge about gems and minerals would ever help me break the ice. "It sure does and you should wear one too if you are an Aquarius", came a coy reply. I smiled to look at this girl who was clearly more into gems and zodiac signs than me. The casual chat lasted for long and I knew I had met someone special.

We soon discovered there was more to us than amateur gemology or make believe zodiacs. Life was never going to be the same for me for the next couple months were almost surreal. It was the best thing to happen to me and I was really lucky to have someone like her in my life. But as time went by, she wanted more from the relationship until she finally dropped the "M" bomb on me. I freaked out a bit I guess. Marriage was not on my mind, not yet at least. But no matter how hard I tried to tell her, she was already carried away into the fantasy. I wanted to build a career for myself. Marriage and family would always come later for me. Love and Marriage were absolutely two different things for me. But nothing I spoke would convey what I really wanted to say. And so I played along. She wanted a gala wedding, so I fabricated one for her. She wanted a picturesque life, so I painted one for her. She wanted surreal things to make her life complete, and I lied on every occasion just so that I could avoid telling her the truth. Things would take care of themselves said my naive mind, which was ill-equipped to deal with a situation like this.

The next I know, I was walking up to her bed side that morning. She was unaware of my presence. I was going to call it quits, but didn't have the courage to face her. I left her a note, saying that I was moving on, moving to a different city to take up a new job, and that it was best for us not to see each other or try to get in touch. That was very blunt of me, I didn't even bother to leave a contact number or a way to get in touch. I guess I knew of an email id which I was never going to check ever again and a number which I was never picking up calls from.

I left her to pursue a high flying career and never wanting to be shackled to a life which she so dearly wanted. Marriage was never on my mind, not at the time at least. For me, my career was soon becoming the only thing that I would work towards. I wanted to build something for myself. Maybe I was being selfish, but that was the way ahead, that I saw and chose to tread on. I would not have known what havoc that letter would unleash on her. I would not have imagined what pain it would inflict on her. I would not have perceived that I would be the one to bring down the world around her like that. Never did I want to push her to the edge. Things are probably happening for the best is how I consoled myself. I would never have known that my betrayal would cost her her life.

I was detached from her world, hot on trails of a career that I was chasing. I threw myself into the process and never ceasing until I climbed a step of the corporate ladder and then another. I was being blinded by my ambition, fueled by my hunger to make it to the top. A year down the line, I came to know of what had befallen her and how she choose to embrace death, tired of waiting on me and the depression I caused had driven her to the edge. I was in disbelief but at the same time denying that I had anything to do with it. The note I left was the final closure for me. She should have known better. A life isn't something you throw away. But how do you explain that to someone whose entire reason to be, had become you. I had failed to realize what we meant to each other and that it were still possible to chase my dreams with her by my side. That moment hit home and I was for loss of words.

It was too late to do anything about it. I was guilty as hell but instead of mulling over it, I chose to lock that past away in deep recesses of my mind and continue life as I knew it. Diving deep into work was the only way I knew to do something about it, and so for the next couple years or so I just worked and worked and worked, alienated from friends and family, spending holidays at work and vacations at home working on future projects and important office matter. I was successfully escaping my past until today when I met Bala and realized the true meaning of the word "Betrayal". Not only had I betrayed her by refusing to be a part of her life, but that denial made me keep true happiness out of my life as well. The journey would have been priceless if she were with me every moment of the way. The memories we would create over time, would have been a mirror into our lives and what it meant to both of us. I was a fool trying to measure success by my bank balance and job promotions. I thought I was better off with no emotional baggage but that hadn't made me strong in any way. If anything, I was a coward trying to run away from my past. I was a failure at life by the same degree as I was successful at my profession. All that success was a facade around me that came crashing down when I realized the terrible consequences of my thoughtless actions. My last goodbye to Bala reassured me that the thing I was about to do, would redeem me from all this. My hands waved him a silent goodbye as I promptly obeyed gravity.

I braced for contact. The sight of the bridge was almost a blur when the ice cold water rushed around to gulp me down. The eventuality of my actions was finally here. My outstretched hands tried to grab onto something ... anything ... to pull me out to safety. The impact should have killed me, but in a cruel act of mercy, I had survived for some more time to soak in whatever was still to come. The unforgiving cold water brutally gripped me, crushing any hopes of escape. Not that I had any intentions to do so. With the murky water splashing around me, obscuring my senses, I surrendered to the inevitable. I have been consumed by selfishness, riddled with guilt, running from my past with little success, trying to make amends, all the while failing to realize that the thing I thought would hold me back would have been the best thing to liberate me and fulfill a happier, more complete life. All of this comes to an end as I finally make peace with this life. If you can hear me, here is what I have to say, "Sorry for all that I did, and hope to see you on the other side".

Pseudo Friends

So Facebook shows me a list one day
Of people I may know
Turns out these strangers that I see
Are friends of a friend of a friend I know

Is this six degree of separation
My way to let my friend circle grow
But how do I click that button yet
To befriend some stranger I barely know

Or maybe I have known them for long
With their updates flooding my wall
A friend of a friend, likes or comments
And I wonder why I have to read it all

In this flurry of ludicrous updates
I desperately look for people I know
And all I see them do
Is like or comment about someone I don't know

And what's with the videos please
Displayed on my update feed
Am I being fed with bits and pieces
Of info I don't care or need

Long gone are the conversations
I used to have with friends
Walks down the memory lane
With stories to cherish in the end

People online are just busy now
With likes, shares and what not
Mindlessly tapping on those links
Believing that's what friendship is all about

Well, think really hard now
When was the last time you truly connected
Had a really long conversation
With memories resurrected

Social media as we know it
Is just messing with your head
You are linked online, apparently in touch
But the essence of friendship is probably dead

So folks don't mind if
I don't add you in the end
Maybe not adding anyone at all
Is better than having a pseudo friend

Time

A Second is a fleeing memory,
Before you realize, its already history.

A Minute is a lost opportunity,
A regret may last till eternity.

An Hour may be an anxious recount of moments,
A haunting experience of uneasy events.

A Day is just a page in the book called Life,
Pick out a good one and read it with delight.

A Month is the time to give your best,
No harm in pursuing if you pass that test.

A Year is a speck in the time you will stay,
Don't fret a bad one, it wont matter anyway.

A Decade is to look back and rejoice,
Pat yourself for your journey of choice.

A Century is the previous generations' legacy ,
Make sure to leave a better one with no intricacy.

Time is ever so constantly changing,
Its futile to keep up with life's waxing and waning.

Let bygones be an oblivion to you,
Because time wont stop and neither should you.

Make peace with it and keep doing your best,
Let history take care of the rest.

Building my digital world all over again

My job took me to a new city. And for couple months or so, I have been literally living out of a suitcase. While I travelled with enough essentials, I have largely left my digital life back home. That would mean that the linux laptop, the external hdd, the music speaker system, the huge smart tv are all feeling lonely without me. All I am carrying with me is a smartphone, just about basic no awesomeness to boast of, my work laptop and my favorite headphones which offer some releif when I am playing my limited songs playlist off the phone. The only saving grace is availability of good browsing speeds on wifi and mobile data.

I thought I could do without these toys for a while and live a simple, if not impassable life. But the illusion is wearing away sooner. What I may have come to realize is that each device has its purpose. I cannot live with a smartphone expecting it to fill the divide of not having all the gadgets that I own. Nor is a decent headphone a suitable replacement for good speaker system. Youtube cannot possibly pitch in for the collection of my favorite movies on hdd and watching any video on the paltry 4.5 inch mobile screen is a pity when that massive 42 inch full hd screen stays lifeless back home. Work laptop is strictly for work, any other use would land me in trouble, although its my only savior if I have to finish this blog.

We are so used to these peripheral devices that we almost take them for granted. Yet we cannot imagine a life without them. I am not even counting those card readers and memory cards and pen drives which make media transfer all the more easy or the tiny wires that charge your devices to last the day. I am definitely feeling amiss with these things out of sight. For me, I guess I have to find a sweet spot somewhere in between the minimalist digital armoury I possess right now and the ultimate digital luxury I was so used to. I cannot possibly start investing in these gadgets all over again. So that makes me wonder what else could be done.

Starting categorically, I am trying to analyze my needs and associate a device with it. Communication, verbal or text, is best handled on the phone and the one I have is quite suited for the job. It handles Skype and Whatsapp and international calls pretty well. Video calls over wifi are without any hiccups so no complains yet and no plans to upgrade either.

For music or latest movies trailers that I want to catch, the youtube application on my phone is good enough for now. The headphones rightly serve their purpose but sometimes I like my music loud enough to fill the room. The humble smartphone seriously lacks any ability to rock the party! Here I see an opportunity to buy something portable yet heavy on those beats. A bluetooth speaker makes it way to my wish list. I have been looking around the amazon catalogs for something suitable. Its Bose vs JBL so far. The one that rocks the house with its deceptive small form and is easy on my wallet will be the winner. The bluetooth paired speakers would also go well with a laptop for that blockbuster movie experience.

That brings me to the laptop that I might want to buy soon. This thing will be a must have, though I am struggling to figure the right amount to spend on one. Its brands vs competitive prices. Being a linux user since long, I dont see the point in paying for a windows license, and then wiping that thing clean with a linux installation. Laptops with no os are a rare find and the ones that come with linux preinstalled have their price tags shooting through the roof. Seems like too much investment right now. This is where chromebooks have caught my fancy. Relatively inexpensive machines with their working centered around online usage. Newer options with faster processors and better screens are kind of a sweet deal to me. It will be better than a tablet and cheaper than a full blown laptop. Sounds just about right. I read that it is possible to install linux on them as well which is perfect for me. I could do a more thorough homework before cornering down on one of these. The only con is they have very little onboard storage with really tiny SSDs. But I could bundle the purchase with a 1TB or above HDD. That will solve storage space problems for good. Some more thoughtful pondering is required for this one.

I am imagining, when I am done listening to music or seeing a movie or video calling with family, I would simply like to relax and unwind with an interesting read. Back home, I had been a faithful reader of hard bound books, adding more and more to my mini library, when I ran out of space on my shelf. I could only imagine the chaos and disorder on the tiny book shelf had I bought any more. But why bother about paper books in this digital age. I am certainly thinking of owning an ebook reader. Well, I could read them on the chromebook or a tablet or even the phone, but the distractions are too many and ebook readers will help me do the only thing I would want to do at the time ... read a best seller with undivided attention. Kindle Paperwhite ... I am this close to ordering you online!

So thats how I plan to rebuild my digital kingdom. Starting from scratch and reaching a level where I have enough gadgets to get through day to day activities and yet not spend away my precious savings. And when my digital kingdom has grown well, I will splurge on the more expensive toys like the DSLR. That thing is definitely on my list, but I am cautious of what I choose to spend on. Diving into purchasing a DSLR would mean that I would need enough time and patience at hand to start learninig photography from scratch. I do know the basics, but when you are handling top of the line equipment you cannot be an average joe with its handling. But thats for another time. Some disciplined saving and genuinely increasing interest in photography will definitely be needed before I can commit myself to buying one.

My gadget list is almost complete, nothing extravagant or overly ambitious. Just a thoughtful selection of gadgets that will make my digital life more complete. Let me head to amazon for some shopping orders!!

The Negotiator

The alley wasn't well lit. The darkness of the hour made it all the more eerie. But the sight did not deter Abhay. It was his daily route to office and back. The brisk walk through the alley was the shortest way he knew. The path took him to the bridge that crossed the river and onto the other side. He merely lived few blocks away and was so used to this trail that he could even make it with his eyes closed. The odd shadows and the swishing wind of the hour only made him walk more briskly to reach home sooner.

Abhay was a banker by profession. He was used to working late into the nights and these lonely walks back home didn't bother him much. In fact it gave him time to think about a few things. Ponder on how to advance his career ahead, what next big move will catapult him to a bigger, better pedestal. For him work was everything and he had worked his way up the ladder with immense hard work and dedication. But somewhere on that quest, he had lost touch with humility. His confidence bordered on arrogance and he was too blinded by his success to notice things around him.

He continued on his walk across the bridge, too engrossed in his thoughts. When he thought he saw something from the corner of his eye. A human form stood still, but dangerously close to the edge of the bridge and looking down into the depth of the river. Abhay stopped in his tracks looking at the silhouette of the person on the ledge. The guy just stood there with his shoulders sagged, breathing heavily, contemplating something. He could be thinking a million things at the time. One of those random thought crossed Abhay's mind. Did he just think what the man on the ledge was about to do. He inched closer, careful not to startle the guy who just stared down below, trying to gather enough courage. "I wouldn't do that, if I were you", Abhay said in a calm composed voice and made no attempt to surprise the silhouette. The guy looked back. The shadow of the bridge hid his face making it obscure for Abhay to have a good look at him.

"Go away. You shouldn't be here", came a stifling reply, "Just leave me to my business.". Abhay was startled a bit, but regained his composure. "I would be gone soon, if you weren't standing up there. Let me give you a hand and we could both be on our way home", he said and tried to get closer to the edge of the bridge. "Stay back or else ...", came a stern reply and Abhay was forced to retreat. He was trying to make sense of the situation. Why was this guy just about to jump off the bridge and why there was not a soul to be seen around. The hour of the night reminded his that it was way beyond the time people usually get home and the sight of empty streets made him realize that he was the only one who could salvage the situation.

"Look at me sir, I am stepping back", he tried to assure the guy on the ledge that he meant good, "And so should you. There is no point in throwing a good life away". The shadow responded by stepping back a bit, but still dangerously close to tipping over. "What is your name?", Abhay asked, trying to engage in a small talk and calm this person down. "Your name good fella?", a second question also didn't elicit a response. Abhay knew things could soon spiral out of hands if he didn't do anything.

"Come on man, life is too precious to be wasted like this. Whatever it is that troubles you, I am sure we can talk about it. May make you feel better"

No reply.

"Things can't be that bad. What is it that troubles you? Did you loose money? Maybe your job? If something is troubling you at home, you could make things work. There is certainly no need to take such an extreme step". Abhay wasn't sure if his choice of words was having the desired effect.

"What do you know about betrayal?". The guy in the shadows responded, after a long pause, with despair in his voice.

A straight up question had Abhay stop in his tracks. He was at some loss of words to be able to respond. To say that he was prepared for something like this would be a blatant lie. Someone or something had betrayed this guy and the damage was so massive that this guy saw no other way out. Abhay was still trying to find some words to speak when the shadow spoke up.

"Betrayal, that's what it is. How can someone do something like this." There must have been something more he had to say, but the despair must have gripped him as he let the words drown in silence.

Betrayal... that word hit some resonance with Abhay. He had been trying avoid the confrontation for so many years and he thought he had done well. He wouldn't have thought though, that the past would catch up, unaware, like this. Faint memories started coming back to him as soon as he heard those words. "Betrayal, that's what it is..."

They were young and very much in love. The spontaneity they had, excited them to no end. Both were elated by this new turn in their life. But though they had been together for couple months now, he wasn't ready to commit yet! For some reasons known only to him, he wanted out, but didn't gather the right amount of courage to tell her. And so he went on to make false promises and paint a rosy picture. Telling her of beautiful things that they would do, embark on a wonderful journey that was almost surreal. He was only telling her what she wanted to hear. The words were empty and the promises were hollow. He soon backed out when he landed a lucrative job in a new city. He had no plans of being shackled to a married life and let his high flying dreams go by. His mind was already made up. He left without facing her, leaving a note that didn't even ask for forgiveness. He had simply chosen a different path to move on and hadn't looked back since.

That note was the most devastating thing she ever read in her life. She felt cheated into believing that some fantasy could actually be true. The void it left in her life was almost impossible to fill. She desperately sought to get in touch with Abhay, plead him somehow. But Abhay had just left and made sure she had no way to get in touch with him. He had simply detached himself from her life. Distraught and disillusioned, she did the only sane thing she thought she could do. She cried her way into depression and then slit her wrist to let the last drop of blood escape. That's the only end she saw of her life or what was left of it. Abhay would not know of this extremity until few months later.

It had been several years since and though he never blamed himself for the tragedy, he sought to run away from the reality by diving into his work. Long hours and engaging office matters kept him busy and he thought it would the right way to forget what had happened. But when the words of the man on the ledge pierced his soul, he knew he could not run from it anymore.

"I think I might know what you mean...", he said to the shadow, overcome by his own guilt, but also realizing that he ought to help this guy. If he wasn't able to think of something quick, he would be the lone witness of a desperate man plunging to his death. He was afraid to even contemplate what would ensue if he wasn't able to convince the guy to do otherwise.

"Do you think you can talk about it? Maybe talking to a perfect stranger will elevate your pain." He desperately tried to engage in a conversation. He knew it was important to divert the man. "Just speak out your mind and it may make you feel better. Come on, please!"

"Where do I start...", said the shadow. Abhay saw a glimmer of hope and was relieved to see that his plea had paid off. "My parents come from a very modest background, they have tried their level best to make me the man I am today. They were the most happy people I could see on my graduation day. Soon after graduation landed a job here and decided to move. My father gave me a sound advice that day. He has said son, no matter how good the world around you is to you, always beware of people who might take advantage of you or hurt you in ways you did not imagine. I would have dismissed his caution for being over protective about his son, but his words were so true. I stand here because I trusted too many people who didn't deserve it."

So this guys trust was betrayed, Abhay pondered. His own wrong doings were playing a frantic game of hide and seek sending his mind went into a tizzy of thoughts. Betrayal is definitely a strong emotion and very difficult to carry. He began imagining the pain and anguish his actions must have caused when he had left her. His was beginning to get consumed by his internal turmoil, hardly aware that the man had his share of story to tell too.

"When I came to this city, I had very few friends, mostly office colleagues who extended their ounce of goodwill to me when I needed it most. My manager also went out of his way to make me feel comfortable with my job and work life in general. I respected that guy. But a year down the line that equation had changed. I never knew what was to come my way."

"I work at this bank, just down the block. Last month a blatant embezzlement case came to light and things have been under investigation since. People were a lot curious, somewhat anxious but mostly apprehensive about it. We had been doing our best to cooperate with the investigation and help settle things. But yesterday, to my horror, the investigation panel started drilling me all the way, almost criminalizing me for something that I did not do. I sought help with my manager, trying to explain what I had been doing was part of my job and nothing was suspicious or sneaky about it. But he seemed to have his own agenda. I soon realized that talking to him was futile. It is almost that someone in the company had thought of a scapegoat to blame it all on and that unfortunate soul is me! They put together a legal team which has drafted a statement. I am required to sign it taking full responsibility and attribute things to my inexperience and lax attitude towards work. How can someone do something like that". He shuddered into a helpless cry as emotions ran free. No wonder he could think of the only thing he had come here to do. What happened over work had definitely put an end to his career and self respect.

Abhay was in for a second blow of the night. Couple weeks ago, Abhay's friend at work had come to him, bit worried and sought some help. He was desperate else he would loose his job over some misdealings he had done in office. They tried all the tricks they knew to get his friend off the hook, and when nothing seemed to work, the only thing they could think off was blame it all on someone else. Abhay's heart sank. His realized that his actions and inactions had an effect that always got to him sooner or later. To his disbelief, in his bid to save his friend he was unwittingly pushing this man off the ledge. The realization was too overwhelming for him to handle.

"Hey I think I know you..." Abhay's voice crackled, almost fearing to admit that he knew who stood in the shadows. "You and me, we work at the same bank. I know work has been stressful since few weeks, but whatever it is, we can work it out. You work with Nikhil right? He is a good friend of mine. I also am on good terms with Nikhil's boss. Whoever is trying to frame you on this, I am sure we can work it out.", Abhay tried to pacify him.

He quickly took out his phone and tried to hastily type a message. He had to warn Nikhil that the plan they had hatched wasn't going to end well and if this guy survived, Nikhil would have a lot of questions to answer. Abhay prayed that his message was being read as he stood there trying to dissuade a suicide. Nikhil replied few minutes later, but the message has an ominous undertone. If the man they were trying to frame was to commit suicide, they would have an obvious closure to the pending case. It didn't seem to matter to Nikhil at all. In fact he prayed that the fool step off and plunge to his death.

Abhay was torn apart. He failed to see which side he was on. Actions have their consequences. And those consequences have devastating effects. What about the man who tried his best for the upbringing of his son, what about the woman who would never be able to see her son grow into his career at work, what about the girl who believed love was eternal and that she had the right person to spend the rest of her life with. He quickly took out a pen and a notepad from his bag and started writing a hasty note. He signed it when he was done, took a brief look at what he had written and folded it neatly.

He started walking towards the man in the shadow still consumed by his own thoughts that ran wild across his mind. In all the chaos, what was that one thing that he could do that will redeem him from his wrong doings. He soon stood near the edge and spoke to the shadow in a calm voice, "Take this note, you can hand it over to the investigation team tomorrow. I trust that you are not at fault here and would see no reason to accept blame for something you did not do. Be strong and fight for it. Not many have the strength to do that. If you can fend against the ghastly step you were about to take, you have enough courage to face things that will show up in your life ahead. Death is never the solution to anything. Pain and anguish may have driven you to this end, but you can come out stronger. Someday you should be able to tell you father, that the old man's advice was sound and has helped you build a great life."

The man slowly stepped out of the shadow, showing his face to Abhay for the first time. Abhay stared at a young man who once had ambitions in life but his zest was nearly killed by ominous people at work. His helplessness tore Abhay within, but he felt he was doing the right thing by helping him out. "Do not ever come down this road. Death is for the fundamentally weak."

Relieved that his words had helped avert a tragedy, Abhay curiously said, "I never really got to know your name".

"Its Bala, sir"

"Bala, be strong and have a good life. Mind if you read that note for me", Abhay said. Bala's hand were still shivering as he started reading the note. In that note Abhay had taken full responsibility for the mishandlings in the company and no one but himself was responsible. He had regretted his actions and would come in office the next day to confess everything in front of the investigation panel. Bala was confused. He look up to ask "What is this?"

"Redemption", replied Abhay and without warning just let himself off the bridge. He had been gathering all his courage to be able to do this when he reached the edge. Gravity had promptly done its job and as Abhay plunged some hundred feet into the river below, he thought of all the wonderful things that could have filled his life, if he hadn't betrayed her. The joys of life that he had failed to realize. The guilt of leaving her and eventually pushing her to the edge had consumed him for long enough and what he just did seemed like the right antidote for his misery. Time had slowed down, or so it seemed, as he thought of all the things he could have done right. Probably helping Bala was the last good thing he did. He did negotiate and save a life. As he hit the cold water of the dark river on that moonless night, he let a faint smile flash across his face. The negotiator had made peace with his demons.