I have been spending sleepless nights, restless days pondering on a few things. Nothing I see or hear or do or think makes this unrest go away. I think I am looking for something. What is it ? I don't know. Where to find it? I don't know. But I have to find it, because nothing else in life seems to satiate this thirst.
And as I stay awake until wee hours of the next day, I am weighing my options ,trying to make sense of the insanity. There is something that troubles me, just don't know what.
Is it money? Well, who isn't after it! But then money doesn't make me that desperate. The job is doing fine and the pay doesn't bother me much. I am where I would have wanted to be a year before. So no complaints as yet.
Is it my friends? I admit that I only have a few of them. But they are genuine and worth more than anything else in this world. Besides I have been a kind of private person myself. So being alone for long time doesn't bug me much.
Is it my family? I can't remember the last time I had a fight, expressed my anger or blasted on anybody at home. I have enjoyed their care and attention. The love and joy family brings to me is second to nothing in this world. I have their faith and respect ever since I have been able to lead an independent life. In return, I have been able to support my family and friends to the best of my ability.
Is it love then? I have been down that road and come back half-way, empty handed. But rather than grieving on the outcome, I have cherished the journey. I know how it feels to be in love and also realised that there are no regrets. Now I wait. Wait for some stranger's path to cross mine. Hold my hand and lead me down that road again, and this time, all the way till the end. Those paths may cross now or may never cross ever, but I am not eager to find out.
Then what is it that I am trying to find. A little introspection does little to help me out here. Maybe I need to find myself in a whole new perspective. Maybe everything is in place, but I am just not able to make good sense out of it, and constantly ponder that something is wrong and something ought to be done about it. Once I find out, all the pieces of this jig-saw puzzle will fall in place and show me what a beautiful picture I have been missing for all the years, though it has always been there.
Till then, I go on ... in search of something.
