See Through My Eyes

I happened to see this scene from a movie starring Russel Crowe, seemed like an old movie, he was quite young in it. Nevertheless, this is not about Crowe, but in the scene he was giving directions to his friend to point and shoot a picture of him in the frame. The guy clicking the photo was a blind person. He was a blind photographer asking people in front of the camera to tell him where to point and he would just capture the picture on count of three. Interestingly this got me thinking and have been toying with the idea for a blog since. I did not follow the rest of the movie. I am sure it must have been good. But the thoughts started rolling for a good blog. Lets see how far I reach with this....

He had surrendered to life. Not that he struggled for as long as he could. But he finally came to terms that he could never see again. The darkness around him must have been haunted with flashes of the horrific accident that left him sightless. Its sometimes shocking to see what life can turn out to be in a split second. The inevitable could have been avoided had he seen the advancing vehicle coming from the opposite direction. But now all he had for himself, was the darkness and a white cane to find his way.

He was quite lucky though, to have friends and family who looked after him well and never made him feel lonely or lost. They wanted to make sure that he always had something to look forward to in life. But all they could really do was be the support, should he need it. It was up to him to really get back to his life. And getting back to a life of darkness wasn't exactly what he really wanted.

All had gathered that day to celebrate his twenty fifth birthday. There was a frail sign of happiness on his face that day. Everyone cheered but no one could really lighten up his face. He should have been happy. But he wasn't. After dinner they all settled to open the presents that were brought for him. He thanked people for their kind gifts but wondered whether he would ever be able to see how beautiful they were or even find some use for them. The last gift was from his friend. He opened the box to find something heavy inside. He took it in his hands to feel it for himself. Even before he could ask what it was, she answered "Its a camera". After a long pause, he broke down into tears. Of what use could a camera possibly be to him. He thought it was a cruel joke. A mockery of his plight. She consoled him. She said she was sorry, but this camera was something which she had bought for him quite some time back. She wouldn't have known what was to come. What she did not tell him, was she wanted to win her way into his heart by giving him something special. She had their initials etched onto the camera. What hurt her now, was that he would never know, and she did not have the courage to tell him, should he turn it down assuming that she was doing him some kind of favor. She simply insisted him on keeping the camera.

Months passed. The camera was still new. The box unopened. The gift forgotten. She wanted him to embrace it and have no inhibitions about his blindness. One day she made him sit besides her and feel the camera. Understand how it worked and how it could bring into perspective the things that were around us. As she explained to him, he felt her soft hands caress his. He felt something in a long time. Something that would give him hope, a reason to live and look forward to new things in life. He agreed to use the camera. Still unsure when he would say "Say cheese" and click a snap of someone in front of him. Rather they came up with a different way to click the picture. The person standing in front of the camera would give directions as to where he stood and ask him to click the camera on a count of three. She was delighted to pose for his first picture. With a little to the left and a little up, she asked him to click her snap at count of three.

Over time, he really got hang of taking pictures this way and be it intuition or brilliant judgement, he always got a wonderful portrait of the person in front of him. Capturing rare emotions which are lost sometimes when people get too conscious to see a camera on their face. But here, they were a part of the process and enjoyed it very much. Many admitted that these were some of their best pictures ever taken. All this gave a new light to the darkness in his life. He could not thank her enough. But there was also something else he wanted to tell her. When he felt her hands when trying to get familiar with the camera, he also felt something wonderful for the first time. And though he remembered her face and admired how beautiful she looked, he guessed that getting to know her with just her touch or her sweet gentle voice had pushed him over the edge. He was in love. 

He decided he would tell her that day. She had helped him put up an exhibition of all the portraits that he had clicked. People were just in awe of how wonderful all the pictures were. They could not stop talking about it and congratulate him. He graciously accepted their wishes but could not wait to talk to her. After some time, when they were alone in the gallery, he took out his camera and asked her to smile for him. And no, he did not wait for a count to three. He just imagined her beauty and clicked a photo. He showed it to her and said "I want to see you smiling like this for the rest of my life. Would you ... ". She was looking at her best smile ever. She turned to him and said "Don't say another word. The answer is Yes!". He smiled and taking her by the hand, he ran her fingers over the initials etched on the camera and said "I guess you made the first move". She blushed and sealed their love with a kiss.

They got married a month later and though now he sees the world through her eyes, none can see it the way he does when he clicks his camera. Ironically, he would never see the photographs or the people that he clicked. But the appreciation he would get for them made every moment of his life worthwhile.

Walk Me To My Grave

Its a poem this time... not my first one though. About someone who has not been fortunate to have anything going right in his life. Just painful memories of futile struggle till failure. Here it goes ---

Woke up to a life of hardships

Each turn a test of strength and wits

Struggles kept wearing me out

Ruthlessly watching as I painfully shout

Bereft from home

I was struggling alone

As job milestones felt like a feat

Each year seemingly impossible to meet

Personal life was also a mess

With troubles I wish I could take less

And even love shied away

Never to bring me the glorious day

They say its better to have loved and lost

Than not have loved at all

Nothing but an optimist's muse, I'd say

Have to live with the loss at the end of the day

Life reduced to an aimless wandering

A ship without sails and minutes from sinking

Searched for success here and there

Made friends with failure everywhere

Maybe life is as good as it gets

But for me, it's just full of regrets

Can't take it, I am not that brave

Its time to walk me to my grave

This fruitless life deserves to die

That truth I cannot belie

Be the support no one gave

Please walk me to my grave

Refusing to grow up

Life is a funny arcade game. You have to cross each stage one by one and you only advance to next stage when all your objectives for the earlier are complete. Some stages have a bonus thrown in while some just take away your collected points. Each stage is exciting and the overall understanding of the game increases with every stage completed.

Starting from childhood to schooling years to college, things have been great. Maybe the game was too easy then. Challenges after that have to be met with a better understanding of life. Its been five years since I got my first job. Maybe I am where I would have wanted to be professionally, but on the personal front, things are not that well planned. I got an insight into that very recently.

Attending a wedding is the perfect time to do some introspection. At a recent party that I was invited to, I got to meet my friends wife and another ones fiancee. They all seem to be very happy and excited about this new wake of life. I did congratulate them for the happiness in their lives, but I don't see myself married and settled any time soon. Everyone keeps asking when am I going to break the news and try to convince me that its time I start looking for a life partner. But I don't find myself at that spot yet. My colleagues in office have tried in vain to get me notice some of the girls there. I agree they are all good looking, but I am not on a lookout for dates, nor do I want a casual girlfriend. I remember telling my friends at work that I would only like to get involved with someone only with the intention of getting married. But that does not make me ready for marriage as yet. 

Am I trying to find love? Maybe. Am I trying hard at it? Maybe not. Am I trying at all? Nope. I think I have commitment issues. Every time someone suggests an alliance I just blow it. Marriages freak me out. There. I said it. Marriages freak me out. Only once had that thought crossed my mind and I was very sure of it then. But not now. I am not an emotional fool anymore.

I am just in a bit of a fix. It is that phase of life where I don't have any reason to hold back but no milestone to reach either. Just that I am unwilling to move out of my comfort zone of being a bachelor. Living life at will, no one to explain anything to, no responsibilities, no pretentious relationships, no strings attached. It takes a lot to be able to think of someone else first. Thinking about that significant other and making your whole life revolve around that person, takes an above average understanding of how to make relationships work.

And this is where I refuse to grow up. Someone once told me, that its no use acting all matured when you could still buy some time and enjoy life. Take life as it comes and don't even think about getting married until you are thirty. Well at twenty six, I might be taking the advice bit too seriously. Just lingering about at this level of the arcade game trying to fetch more points until the door for the next level opens. Maybe I am overlooking the fact that all the points there were to score are already in the pot. Its just a matter of time when the level will advance to the next, taking the game to new heights with new challenges to face and new objectives to score. 

But somewhere in my mind the resistance continues. Grow up I should, but refuse I will, for as long as possible.

My reminiscent diary

I was cleaning my bookshelf the other day. The pile was just building up, begging me for a much pending clean up. As I started with dusting the shelves and removing the books, I reached to the farthest end and caught hold of something. Something I had kept there long back, well hidden from view. It was my personal diary.

Well, I started writing this diary when once I woke up in the middle of the night fearing that one day I might loose all the cherished memories of life unless I found a way to preserve them. I made it a habit to write the diary and it was my prized possession. I wrote a lot. A lot about childhood, friends, school, everything I was lucky enough to have. Episodes gradually moved to graduating from engineering to taking up the first job. Many names made their way into the diary. Names that meant the world to me. This was one place I could visit at will and relive all the good times I had experienced.

No sooner, one name started frequenting much more than others. Soon I was filling out pages, writing about how I met her, how I felt about her, things I liked about her. In more pages to follow, no names of my friends got a mention, no incidences about work made their way into the diary. It was just me and her. I was in love and the diary was my rendezvous with her. It was here that I had written many things even before telling her in person.

It had everything. The first poem I wrote for her, followed by many others over the time. Vivid memories of my first date with her. My anticipations, my inhibitions, my confrontations. Everything. I found it easy to write down the stuff to clear the clutter from my mind. I was thinking too much and too far. Could I help it? No. Did I like it? Yes.

And then one day, the writing just stopped. Last few pages being a painful saga of things not fallen into place. I found solace in writing it down. Trying to analyse what went wrong. Few questions were left unanswered. I let them be. Simply accepted the fact and moved on. Thinking that it would be as easy as it sounded. The writing stopped abruptly, never to be resumed again.

It was reminiscent of a many things as I laid my hands on that diary after so many years. I took the effort to read through it. Knowing it would be a mistake to do so, I still skimmed through. As I read through to the last page, I could see how things have changed over the years. The very first thing I realised was about the poems. Poetic talent sincerely eludes me now. I just don't get the meaning. Could I have been that "poetic" then? I read about things that I'd rarely do now. Could I have been that hopeless a romantic? I could not believe it was me writing these things few years back. 'Creativity is at its zenith when in love'. If what I read in an article long back were true then surely this diary was my creative best. All for someone who held a special place in my heart then. 

I cannot relate with anything of the sort now. All the creativity and emotions disappeared the day I stopped writing that diary. I swore never to write in it again. Things have changed. Hopefully for good. I don't long to go back to being how I was a few years back. Nor does it hurt not to have lived and fulfilled the things I wanted to do then.

A unfulfilled love, an incomplete diary, frail traces of a creative me...maybe these are some things I can live with. It just does not matter anymore. As for the said person in the diary, I hope she will be happy with whichever path she chooses to move on.

Time to put the diary back in its place. Have some cleaning to do.

The Cam Chronicles

I would wait here till the right person came to take me home and care for me. That's was all I kept saying to myself as I perched high on the shelf of the camera shop.... Oh, so you don't want to hear me out! I thought this blog was some place, I could speak my heart out and tell someone how things have come to happen in my life. I am sure you would want to hear me out. Do read ahead...

I am a sleek, 3rd generation semi SLR camera. I boast of most awe-inspiring features and capabilities. Check out my zoom and various presets. Am sure I make the other lesser compacts burn with envy. Ever since we made it out of the factory, proving our worth to their quality department, my friends have been selling like hot cakes. As each one starts his own journey to be the best to capture this world onto the 8 million pixels we have, I am a bit cautious on enduring onto the journey. I would want to be taken home by someone who is as passionate about photography as I am. Together we could capture some of the best sights this world had to offer. I won't mind being in the kitty of a gadget geek, as long as he takes me out the first, to flaunt in front of his friends. That's the status and attention I want to enjoy. And so I keep a watchful eye on every customer who comes into the shop and demands for someone like me. I just look at him from head to toe and if I know that it just wont click, I try to hide behind others or even nudge my unaware neighbour to be caught hold of by the shopkeeper. I know its cruel but I want to be spared the agony. I cant imagine my life with someone who would not care for me.

That morning I was still asleep I guess. Still living the dream I had last night. Making it to the pedestal with my owner to grab the most prestigious photography award in the world. Well, that was still a distant vision but somehow I knew it that I would make it one day. There was already someone at the counter. Seemed like a spoilt kid throwing tantrums for an expensive toy. His dad offered him to buy another camera so that he could first learn something about photography and then go on to buy more expensive ones. Sound advice, I thought, but the kid wouldn't budge. The father finally gave in and offered to pay by check. I thought I missed whom they were talking about and was still thinking who would that unfortunate fellow be to be owned by such a dorky kid when the shopkeeper reached out and grabbed me by the box. NOOOoooo.... This cant be. Of all the cameras in the shop, he had to pick me! My heart sank, I knew my life was ruined.

Though I was taken to rich family living in a lavish house, that kid was my worst nightmare. All he wanted to do was shoot aimlessly and then delete the snaps. He didn't was a clue as to what photography was and what care should be taken of the equipment. Soon I started running out of batteries as he never bothered to charge them, the lens was messed with his finger impressions. Cant you wash you hands after munching on a chocolate and then care to touch me! Life was hell. Completely unexpected and I seemed to be stuck here. I did not know how long I could take it. I was on verge of pushing myself off the shelf and fall to the floor. Break myself into pieces to put an end to this misery. I knew that would be such a waste of this life, but what good was it anyway.

Just then a girl came into the room. First thing she did, was look at me. I gleamed back. Boy, she was delighted to see my shiny case. Wish the lens were clean enough, I could have swept her away with my sparkle. She was the prettiest girl I had ever seen and unknowingly stretched my arms out begging to be picked up. Pick me up, she did. Wow, what soft hands and such a gentle grip! By the way she looked at me and examined my features, I was sure she knew much more about cameras than the dork who bought me. She gently blew the dust from my lenses and cleaned them with a soft cloth. She kissed me as if I were her priced find, only for hers to keep. I will never forget that tingling sensation. All I hoped was that she did not catch me blushing. That would have been a disaster. Suddenly someone called from the hallway. She panicked, put me back on the shelf and ran in the direction of the voice. I shouted out, "Please don't leave me", but the cry never reached her.

What was happening to me? Why did I feel that way? Why beg to be picked up and caressed and kissed? As I battled these tricky emotions, I also feared that I might never see her again. What if that really happened!?

Nothing eventful happened for a couple days. I was still thinking of her that day, when I heard raised voices from across the room. The dork who bought me was a real spoilt brat and this time his pranks had crossed the limits. From what I could understand, he somehow broke the girl's camera. She was very upset about it and cried and complained and sighed that the damage was beyond repair. The only fair thing to do, was buy her a new one. From the voice it seemed that she was the one I had been praying to meet for past few days, but when I heard what she said, my heart sank. "No. Don't buy a new one. Take me instead", I would be happy to switch places and let the dork grieve with a broken camera with him.

Somehow my prayers were answered. His mother grounded him and made him pay for his mistakes by forfeiting me. He apologized and gave me to the girl. That put a smile on her face. I will never forget that smile. I secretly clicked and saved that pretty sight in my heart forever.

Happy to have me, she went back to her chirpy self and started clicking at the flowers and birds in the backyard. She was certainly a prodigy and I saw myself being put to the best of my abilities. I always made sure that the pictures I clicked made her smile and feel proud. I was all that she had been looking for and for me the quest for the best was over. I would stay with her forever.

I had that dream again the other morning. Only this time, the girl was walking towards the stage to hold the award. We had done it. While I was still lost in the dream, she picked me up and started out before daybreak to click at the morning beauty. As I geared up for the day ahead, I knew ours was a perfect team. She knew it too.

After that she and I clicked happily ever after.