Skeptical about love

The other day I was having a casual lunch with my colleague, chatting about the usual work and the fast approaching weekend. Our voices were muffled by the cacophony in the cafeteria. At lunch time the silence of the place gives in and at times you have to make an effort to get your voice across the table. Our discussion soon turned to how our mutual friend had recently confirmed his relationship status as committed. He had found love in a girl from our office and was very excited about this new turn in his life. The talk continued for some time.

Then suddenly I was thrown a question by my lunch companion. She asked me why didn't I ever share such things with them. She was damn sure that there must be someone that I like, but somehow I never tell such stuff to anybody. And she seemed very curious to know how in the world could I not find someone interesting enough.

I was taken a little aback and wondered, lady why do you even want to get me started on that. Not that you don’t know the story. You guys tricked me into spilling out the beans and I went on to narrate my share of story in every possible detail. But that was like three years ago and I guess I have moved on.

My reply was more patient than impulsive. I agreed that overcoming my past relationship wasn't the easiest thing to do. Being too deeply involved, the emotional bruises have just started to show signs of healing completely. That obviously does not make me invulnerable. Also it makes little sense to jump at the next chance that life has to throw at me.

Probably falling in love was the best lessons life has ever taught me. Things may not have gone through the way I expected them to, but I definitely know how it feels to be in love. Honestly, I haven't felt better in recent times. All the gorgeous faces that I see around would certainly make me take that plunge again, but at some level it just doesn't click.

Love is something that I may not understand completely. There was a time when I was a non-believer thinking that something like love does not exist. Then unwillingly, unknowingly I fell in love. I was all game to make impulsive decisions, make a complete fool of myself, risk being called crazy, do anything that could win me her heart. Now the spontaneity and the excitement eludes me, taking me back to the place where I wish love never exist to cause me the pain. Some may call me rigid, some cold hearted. But I am skeptical. If dreams can be shattered once, so can they be crushed second time around. And though the first debacle earned me some nuggets of wisdom, I am certainly not a master at matters of heart.

Free advice from other self-proclaimed love gurus is going to take me nowhere. I'd rather be on my own. If it is this skepticism that is making me rigid, devoid of emotions then maybe the antidote is a sweet potion of love, given just as unexpectedly as before.