I have been an avid watcher of videos by Sadhguru on the internet. Seems like he is the real rockstar out there. Given the level of insanity in the world, I found one person who has the most sane things to say and put our lives into some perspective. What he offers is simple practical understanding of how we should be in this world. The stress he puts on the "being" of being a "human being" has piqued my interest since quite some time. And so when I stumbled on an "Inner Engineering" webinar, I jumped at the chance to experience this first hand. What I chronicle here on, will just be my understanding of that one hour of interaction with one of the instructors. I was ready with my pen and paper, eager to note down some nuggets of wisdom and boy did I start filling out page after page, trying to lap up all that was being dispensed. Pardon me for my verbatim usage of several things that were said. There are simply no words to explain things better. The clarity of thoughts, intent of words and effectiveness of the talk was something that will be with me for a long time.
The instructor started with a very simple premise. Why do we do what we do in our everyday life? The ultimate purpose is to be happy. The pursuit of happiness is all it is. But the joyful nature we once had, when we were five years old, is no longer with us, now that we have turned thirty. The happiness graph has gone down for most of us. Whatever we choose to endure ourselves through, we just know that towards the end it will give us something that will lead to happiness (of some sort). If we look around, how many happy faces do we really see? People go on with their lives with long faces most of the time. We have not been able to sustain or even potentially grow the blissful happiness we had when we were kids. This means something must be wrong with us.
Stress is the most common attribute anyone would associate with their jobs. Everyone seems to find their job stressful. You might be stressed for some reason, but so is your boss for another reason. A person working behind the counter at a store thinks he is stressed. So is the president of a country. How come there is so much stress everywhere and everybody is affected by it?
No job is actually stressful. It becomes stressful when the individual does not know how to manage the situation around him. How is it that given the same situation someone is bogged down with stress while someone else breezes through it? Simply because one person is able to manage things better than the other. These bouts of mental tension build up day after day and the agitation of the mind begins to translate into agitation of the body. When you drive a car at a relaxed speed, it will go miles and miles before needing any maintenance. But if you drive it at high speeds all the time, there is only so much distance it can go before something breaks down. The same is true with our body. Too much stress can only take you thus far, before you begin to get troubled by some disease. The mind is source of most illnesses. But you can deal with all the day to day grind with proper management. We have been engineering the outside world for several centuries to make things work for us, serve us and make things more convinient. But how often have we done anything for the mind, taken care of the "inner" world? Inner engineering shows the way to do that.
Things like peace, happiness, anger or agony are nothing but different levels of chemical energy in the human body. It is something hapenning within us because of things hapenning around us. Knowing well that we may not have control over things outside us, we should definitely know that we have control on things hapenning within us. What we become is solely our choice. Given a choice no one wants to be miserable, but if the situation around us is not the most favorable, we can still choose what we want to become. It is possible to become peaceful and joyful again just as our five year old self, even if we think we have lost that ability at the age of thirty.
The body is at its most restful state when it is asleep. A well rested today will lead to an energetic tomorrow. But if we are sleep deprived for consequtive days, it starts impacting the body. The quality of rest that we have, affects the body. It is the quality that matters and not quantity. Someone could have slept only a few hours, but if he are well rested and relaxed, he has better ability to concentrate, his productivity is increased and he is less stressful as well.
Our memory is nothing but a series of things that have been hapenning to us and been continuously recorded by our senses. Every thing that we experience by way of reception via the senses becomes a memory but how often are we able to recollect things that we want, when we want. Maybe we remember everything else around that event, expect for that one tiny detail and later on it may just pop into our minds, when we are less stressed about trying to recollect it. As an analogy, try finding a book in a library where there are million other books all put into a heap with no organized catalog of any kind. Within that chaos it will be impossible to find what we are looking for. But if it were a well catalogued library, looking up a book among millions will be very easy. Just like that a mind that is relaxed will be more alert and receptive of things hapenning around it, able to process and recollect things effortlessly and stress free. This kind of organized process helps improve concentration and productivity.
Remember that time when you went on a vacation? You were happy, joyful, peaceful and you could feel it. You were like that for a week but you could not sustain it for longer. Once you were back from vacation and caught up in your daily grind, the peace earned on the vacation was gone in no time. Was it the place you were at or the person you were with that gave you that joy? Or did it essentially come from within you? If so can't we learn to by joyful all the time. No one wants to be miserable by choice, yet that is the case for many of us since we haven't understood the simple fact that joy has to come from within. It is our response to whatever we are facing wherever we are.
To be joyful we need to have more control on our mind. But it is not always the case. We may have some control over our body but we do not have any control on our mind. It is difficult to control the mind. It will not obey you and will do exactly what you told it not to do. Inner Engineering is offering ways which will enable us to control our faculties . Its not a teaching nor a philosophy but a scientifically proven method to be in better control of our mind, emotions, inner peace and the joy that we can experience.
Those were all the nuggets of wisdom that I could gather from the webinar. I am not sure how much of it was "lost in translation" or given a twist because of my "interpretation". But all I know is, I listened intently to what was being said and wrote down enough to serve as a reminder that though I am way beyond the age of thirty, I can still follow this path and learn to be blissful and joyful as my five year old self. The seeking has only just begun.
Jan 3, 2020
Dec 25, 2017
Prisoners of Dimensions
"I think its time to meet. How about I come to Mumbai over the weekend?", Rajan finally spoke after what seemed like hours on the call. The silence and the suspense had almost killed Revati, when his words sprung her back to life. She shrieked with joy, jumping up and down the couch. Rajan was sure her voice would still have reached Delhi sans the phone. But he kept that joke to himself. Revati on the other hand was already day dreaming about the weekend. They had waited long enough. Making calls back and forth for months together and having video chats on Skype, it really was time to meet. Their steady long distance relationship was going to take the next logical step and it excited them to no end. He was wanting to meet her since long, but had only managed to speak up now. She had already made up her mind but just wanted to be sure if he wanted it to. How a quantum physics nerd had fallen for a fashion designer was something no one knew for sure. As they say, Love does find its way.
Saturday arrived. Rajan was already on his way to the airport. He had called Revati earlier to tell her about the plan. He was planning to put up with his friend and would borrow his car for the evening. He would pick her up from her apartment and then the evening was wide open with endless possibilities. She could take him to her favorite restaurant, or maybe they could go for a long drive, or maybe they could just have a stroll in the park, who knew! All they wanted to do was meet up and say things they could have said only in person.
The flight landed on time and Rajan was soon at his friends place. Revati already knew of this, since his Facebook notifications had kept her up to date. They had a quick chat and finally decided to catch up at six. Rajan was taking more than usual to get ready for his date. He wanted to look his absolute best. He did and re-did his hair a dozen times, before settling for his final look. Dressed in blue denims and a white shirt, he bought roses for her and got into his car. He had the address with him and just let Google guide his way to his love.
It took him a little under an hour to reach Revati's place, but he was right on time. Nothing can possibly go wrong now, he thought, while planning the rest of the evening in his head. He called up Revati who said she would be down in five. He waited with excitement, eagerly looking at the main gate for first signs of Revati walking out. Sure they had seen each other on video chats but a sweet mix of curiosity and anxiety filled his heart as he just stared out from his car window. He was parked right in front of the gate so he knew he would be able to spot her right away.
Ten minutes passed by. "She should have been here by now" thought Rajan. While anxiously waiting for her, even minutes felt like hours and he became really restless after some time. He was still not able to spot her, when his phone rang. Revati was calling. "Hey Rajan, where are you? I am waiting at the gate for almost five minutes I don't see any cars parked outside". Thats strange, he thought, he was parked right in front of the gate. "I am right here Rev, just outside the main gate. I don't see you either. Is there another entry into your locality. Am I at the wrong entrance?". "No, its a single apartment building with just one gate" Revati replied, clearly confused with what was happening. Rajan wasn't able to understand anything either. "Green Park, Lane no 5, Santacruz West, that's the address you gave me right? That's where I am." He replied on the phone and even shared his location with her. She was surprised to see that location matched with her location, but there was still no sign of any car around. Though they were on the phone throughout the time, they were just not able to pinpoint their respective locations. "I am parked right at the road junction, I see a couple of auto rickshaws at the stand. There is a huge hoarding for some cosmetics company". Revati looked around for all these things and saw the exact same things from where she was standing. If he is this close, why don't I see him, was all she was thinking. "Look there's a blue merc driving into the main gate, I can see it right here" said Rajan. Revati was now flipping out, as she saw the blue merc drive past her and into the gate. She was standing right there.
"Please don't play these pranks Rajan, this is freaking me out now. I just saw the blue merc drive past me and into the main gate. I am standing right outside. How is it that you cant see me?", Revati was unable to believe what was happening. "Okay, what else do you see?" Rajan tried to find out more details. "Well, there is a tea shop besides that rickshaw stand, and also a bus stop few meters away. Wait... a city bus just made a stop there, bus number 89, its headed to Worli". Now Rajan was for loss of words, he was seeing all the things she said at the exact locations. "Okay, you see the bus stop right, I am just walking up to it and will wave my hand once I am there. Maybe that will sort this confusion once and for all. We are not here to play hide and seek, are we?". He was at the bus stop in no time. And had clear view of the Green Park's main gate, still no sign of Revati.
"What do you mean you are there and waving and still cant see me? I don't see anybody at the bus stop either. Stop this nonsense at once please. This is not a joke." Revati was furious now. She did not want to be stood up by Rajan and certainly not like this. "I swear I am right here and still no sign of you", Rajan replied honestly. "This is crazy, are you telling me that I am seeing everything else at just about the same time as you, except I don't see you! How is that even possible? The world around us is in sync, things happening at about the same time and yet we are invisible to each other!?"
Rajan got a weird feeling about what was happening. He remembered his time spent at the university studying advanced physics and concepts of time warp and how things could exist in space and time co-ordinates. But this was something else. If what they were experiencing were true then there was only one possible explanation. Beyond the coordinates of space and time, the dimensions had to be considered. "Shut your scientific brain off man", Rajan said to himself. "Is this even happening? What if it were true? How is it that things can exist in multiple dimensions and still interact seamlessly. I mean we are chatting on a live phone connection for God's sake."
After few more mind numbing thought, he called her up and said "Rev, you wont believe what I think this is. Don't freak out. Just hear me out. To meet someone you would need a time and a place right? So here we are at your place and at the agreed time. I am here and no doubt you must be here too. But I think we might be in parallel dimensions. So all of it is in sync, the place, the time, the events happening around us, except we are in separate dimensions. Like having another world that looks like this but is not this. I am in my world and you in yours".
"What rubbish! You nerd, stop pulling these pranks on me. All I know is, I am waiting for someone who is really important to me and fearing that this might go nowhere because he is a no show. I would hate to be stood up like this. And I suppose the cellular network also works across these dimensions since I am hearing you loud and clear, blabbering about some stuff from sci-fi movies. I don't care about your space and time and dimension. I just want to meet the guy I had those long chats and video calls with. The one I thought was special and with whom I would have wanted to make this day memorable. As far as I know, I don't see that guy"
Video call. Rajan finally stumbled on what could possibly prove his point. Hell yea, if cell networks can work across these dimensions, so can a video call. "Okay, okay! Don't buzz me off. I will prove it to you. I am making a video call to you. Pick it up and lets chat there. Okay?". Revati reluctantly agreed and checked her Skype for incoming calls. Rajan dialed in a minute later. "Hey there", he said," Just look behind me, I am walking around in your area. Notice any familiar buildings or maybe check that huge hoarding and there's the rickshaw stand". Revati was seeing stuff in background and it was obvious that Rajan was nearby and walking towards her. She just stayed put and peered curiously at the phone screen. "And now I am walking up to Green Park main gate, here is the security cabin, I also see that blue merc parked inside and yet there is no sign of you".
Revati was in disbelief. She was right there at the gate but was nowhere to be seen on the video images sent from Rajan's phone. She moved round and showed the video feed to Rajan who was unable to find himself in the spot where he was currently standing. Different dimensions indeed.
Both were unable to understand what this meant. Did multiple dimensions truly exist, were they in different worlds, was cell connection their only way to communicate? When Rajan thought the evening was open to endless possibilities, this particular outcome would not have crossed his mind in a million years. The scientist in Rajan was elated and already trying to find answers to this mystery of the universe, but the guy, who had fallen for the smart and chirpy Revati, was not able to comprehend, let alone figure out how to meet her. Their's would become the ultimate long distance relationship with zero possibility of ever meeting.
Rajan thought of one last thing to prove his point. He kept the video call on all the time and walked up to Revati's apartment. Revati could see him get off the elevator and go to her front door. And guess who answered the door! A splitting image of Revati, her clone who existed in Rajan's world was right there giving him a bewildered look. Yes she looked the same and talked the same, but Rajan was a complete stranger to her. She had no idea who he was or why he was at her door or why he had his video call on all the time. She slammed the door shut.
Revati saw the entire episode on her cell phone. Tears gushed down her cheek. She did not want to believe what she just saw. Time, space and dimension were still stuff sci-fi novels were written about and though their video call just proved Rajan's theory that they did exist, he would never exist in her world. What did exist was a clone who had no memory of her and what their relationship was all about. For the Rajan in her world, she did not exist either.
They guessed it was their last good bye. First date gone horribly wrong. They could choose to continue their relation on voice and video calls but that was about it. As of now they were stuck where they were. Mere prisoners of their dimensions.
Saturday arrived. Rajan was already on his way to the airport. He had called Revati earlier to tell her about the plan. He was planning to put up with his friend and would borrow his car for the evening. He would pick her up from her apartment and then the evening was wide open with endless possibilities. She could take him to her favorite restaurant, or maybe they could go for a long drive, or maybe they could just have a stroll in the park, who knew! All they wanted to do was meet up and say things they could have said only in person.
The flight landed on time and Rajan was soon at his friends place. Revati already knew of this, since his Facebook notifications had kept her up to date. They had a quick chat and finally decided to catch up at six. Rajan was taking more than usual to get ready for his date. He wanted to look his absolute best. He did and re-did his hair a dozen times, before settling for his final look. Dressed in blue denims and a white shirt, he bought roses for her and got into his car. He had the address with him and just let Google guide his way to his love.
It took him a little under an hour to reach Revati's place, but he was right on time. Nothing can possibly go wrong now, he thought, while planning the rest of the evening in his head. He called up Revati who said she would be down in five. He waited with excitement, eagerly looking at the main gate for first signs of Revati walking out. Sure they had seen each other on video chats but a sweet mix of curiosity and anxiety filled his heart as he just stared out from his car window. He was parked right in front of the gate so he knew he would be able to spot her right away.
Ten minutes passed by. "She should have been here by now" thought Rajan. While anxiously waiting for her, even minutes felt like hours and he became really restless after some time. He was still not able to spot her, when his phone rang. Revati was calling. "Hey Rajan, where are you? I am waiting at the gate for almost five minutes I don't see any cars parked outside". Thats strange, he thought, he was parked right in front of the gate. "I am right here Rev, just outside the main gate. I don't see you either. Is there another entry into your locality. Am I at the wrong entrance?". "No, its a single apartment building with just one gate" Revati replied, clearly confused with what was happening. Rajan wasn't able to understand anything either. "Green Park, Lane no 5, Santacruz West, that's the address you gave me right? That's where I am." He replied on the phone and even shared his location with her. She was surprised to see that location matched with her location, but there was still no sign of any car around. Though they were on the phone throughout the time, they were just not able to pinpoint their respective locations. "I am parked right at the road junction, I see a couple of auto rickshaws at the stand. There is a huge hoarding for some cosmetics company". Revati looked around for all these things and saw the exact same things from where she was standing. If he is this close, why don't I see him, was all she was thinking. "Look there's a blue merc driving into the main gate, I can see it right here" said Rajan. Revati was now flipping out, as she saw the blue merc drive past her and into the gate. She was standing right there.
"Please don't play these pranks Rajan, this is freaking me out now. I just saw the blue merc drive past me and into the main gate. I am standing right outside. How is it that you cant see me?", Revati was unable to believe what was happening. "Okay, what else do you see?" Rajan tried to find out more details. "Well, there is a tea shop besides that rickshaw stand, and also a bus stop few meters away. Wait... a city bus just made a stop there, bus number 89, its headed to Worli". Now Rajan was for loss of words, he was seeing all the things she said at the exact locations. "Okay, you see the bus stop right, I am just walking up to it and will wave my hand once I am there. Maybe that will sort this confusion once and for all. We are not here to play hide and seek, are we?". He was at the bus stop in no time. And had clear view of the Green Park's main gate, still no sign of Revati.
"What do you mean you are there and waving and still cant see me? I don't see anybody at the bus stop either. Stop this nonsense at once please. This is not a joke." Revati was furious now. She did not want to be stood up by Rajan and certainly not like this. "I swear I am right here and still no sign of you", Rajan replied honestly. "This is crazy, are you telling me that I am seeing everything else at just about the same time as you, except I don't see you! How is that even possible? The world around us is in sync, things happening at about the same time and yet we are invisible to each other!?"
Rajan got a weird feeling about what was happening. He remembered his time spent at the university studying advanced physics and concepts of time warp and how things could exist in space and time co-ordinates. But this was something else. If what they were experiencing were true then there was only one possible explanation. Beyond the coordinates of space and time, the dimensions had to be considered. "Shut your scientific brain off man", Rajan said to himself. "Is this even happening? What if it were true? How is it that things can exist in multiple dimensions and still interact seamlessly. I mean we are chatting on a live phone connection for God's sake."
After few more mind numbing thought, he called her up and said "Rev, you wont believe what I think this is. Don't freak out. Just hear me out. To meet someone you would need a time and a place right? So here we are at your place and at the agreed time. I am here and no doubt you must be here too. But I think we might be in parallel dimensions. So all of it is in sync, the place, the time, the events happening around us, except we are in separate dimensions. Like having another world that looks like this but is not this. I am in my world and you in yours".
"What rubbish! You nerd, stop pulling these pranks on me. All I know is, I am waiting for someone who is really important to me and fearing that this might go nowhere because he is a no show. I would hate to be stood up like this. And I suppose the cellular network also works across these dimensions since I am hearing you loud and clear, blabbering about some stuff from sci-fi movies. I don't care about your space and time and dimension. I just want to meet the guy I had those long chats and video calls with. The one I thought was special and with whom I would have wanted to make this day memorable. As far as I know, I don't see that guy"
Video call. Rajan finally stumbled on what could possibly prove his point. Hell yea, if cell networks can work across these dimensions, so can a video call. "Okay, okay! Don't buzz me off. I will prove it to you. I am making a video call to you. Pick it up and lets chat there. Okay?". Revati reluctantly agreed and checked her Skype for incoming calls. Rajan dialed in a minute later. "Hey there", he said," Just look behind me, I am walking around in your area. Notice any familiar buildings or maybe check that huge hoarding and there's the rickshaw stand". Revati was seeing stuff in background and it was obvious that Rajan was nearby and walking towards her. She just stayed put and peered curiously at the phone screen. "And now I am walking up to Green Park main gate, here is the security cabin, I also see that blue merc parked inside and yet there is no sign of you".
Revati was in disbelief. She was right there at the gate but was nowhere to be seen on the video images sent from Rajan's phone. She moved round and showed the video feed to Rajan who was unable to find himself in the spot where he was currently standing. Different dimensions indeed.
Both were unable to understand what this meant. Did multiple dimensions truly exist, were they in different worlds, was cell connection their only way to communicate? When Rajan thought the evening was open to endless possibilities, this particular outcome would not have crossed his mind in a million years. The scientist in Rajan was elated and already trying to find answers to this mystery of the universe, but the guy, who had fallen for the smart and chirpy Revati, was not able to comprehend, let alone figure out how to meet her. Their's would become the ultimate long distance relationship with zero possibility of ever meeting.
Rajan thought of one last thing to prove his point. He kept the video call on all the time and walked up to Revati's apartment. Revati could see him get off the elevator and go to her front door. And guess who answered the door! A splitting image of Revati, her clone who existed in Rajan's world was right there giving him a bewildered look. Yes she looked the same and talked the same, but Rajan was a complete stranger to her. She had no idea who he was or why he was at her door or why he had his video call on all the time. She slammed the door shut.
Revati saw the entire episode on her cell phone. Tears gushed down her cheek. She did not want to believe what she just saw. Time, space and dimension were still stuff sci-fi novels were written about and though their video call just proved Rajan's theory that they did exist, he would never exist in her world. What did exist was a clone who had no memory of her and what their relationship was all about. For the Rajan in her world, she did not exist either.
They guessed it was their last good bye. First date gone horribly wrong. They could choose to continue their relation on voice and video calls but that was about it. As of now they were stuck where they were. Mere prisoners of their dimensions.
May 19, 2016
I am "IT" Batman
I put on my cape and my mask
Take the elevator to the basement
Get into my "batmobile" and start for office
And not a damn soul is watching
I zip my way through the traffic
With stealth mode navigation and precision steering
And that Nolan Dark Knight theme song blaring
And not a damn soul is watching
I get to my office desk
And concoct code out of air so thin
Create magic with my cape still on
And not a damn soul is watching
Several hours just fly by
Waiting for magic, but nothing's happening
The tangled code, just as buggy
And not a damn soul is watching
As day turns to night
I code with all my might
Seeing another day of my life wasted
And not a damn soul is watching
My awesome ninja driving skills
Eventually surrender to the horrific traffic
Wishing for a "batpod" for an easy escape
And not a damn soul is watching
I sneak back home after the dark
Knowing Alfred won't bother waiting
And count the "batsignals" as I go to sleep
And not a damn soul is watching
In this world of "IT", there are several like me
Believing they are here for a purpose
Saving the world, while merely surviving it
Why isn't any damn soul watching
As I hang my cape for the day
Knowing it will start all over again
Praying for the strength to conquer it all
And hope someday someone somewhere would be watching
Take the elevator to the basement
Get into my "batmobile" and start for office
And not a damn soul is watching
I zip my way through the traffic
With stealth mode navigation and precision steering
And that Nolan Dark Knight theme song blaring
And not a damn soul is watching
I get to my office desk
And concoct code out of air so thin
Create magic with my cape still on
And not a damn soul is watching
Several hours just fly by
Waiting for magic, but nothing's happening
The tangled code, just as buggy
And not a damn soul is watching
As day turns to night
I code with all my might
Seeing another day of my life wasted
And not a damn soul is watching
My awesome ninja driving skills
Eventually surrender to the horrific traffic
Wishing for a "batpod" for an easy escape
And not a damn soul is watching
I sneak back home after the dark
Knowing Alfred won't bother waiting
And count the "batsignals" as I go to sleep
And not a damn soul is watching
In this world of "IT", there are several like me
Believing they are here for a purpose
Saving the world, while merely surviving it
Why isn't any damn soul watching
As I hang my cape for the day
Knowing it will start all over again
Praying for the strength to conquer it all
And hope someday someone somewhere would be watching
Dec 30, 2015
As Life Flashed By
(This story is in continuation to "The Negotiator". Please catch that first if you haven't already done so!)
"Redemption", I replied. And as I gazed back into Bala's eyes, which met mine with a bewildered look, I already knew what I had to do. I had spent past few minutes of my life trying to gather enough courage to do this. And I let myself off the bridge. Bala never would have got the time to react and I could see the horror in his eyes as I fell away and beyond his sight.
Gravity did its job. The faithful friend hadn't betrayed, I thought to myself. The expected, yet unexpected, fall got my adrenaline pumping. In that rush, time seemed to slow down and so did my heartbeats, as I started registering things happening around me. The enormous steel structure of the bridge over me was shrinking in its demeanor and at an alarming rate at that. The dark moonless sky above granted an overwhelming sense of volume and how small I stood in comparison. I could feel the chills of the night and the gust of the wind tumultuously playing with my hair and jacket. The flutter only got louder and more prominent as I plunged down further.
As the view around me shrunk as time went by, a familiar face seemed to call out to me for a final rendezvous. Boy was I glad to see her after so long. The serene look on her face and the innocence in her eyes seemed to sooth me. But as I looked closer, a small tear drop rolling down her face caught my eye. What had she done to deserve it. And I knew no one was to be blamed for that, but me!
My thoughts raced to the day I met her. A chance meeting at the museum, the least likely place I would have ever imagined to meet someone like her. I guess the mutual interest in semi-precious stones and natural crystals sparked something between us. I stole at glance at her from across the glass enclosure, while she was busy looking at these glittering pieces of natural beauty. Each with a story of its own. "An Amethyst attracts good luck and love and also helps calm you down", I said nonchalantly as I walked up besides her, looking at a captivating crystal in front of us. I never knew my casual knowledge about gems and minerals would ever help me break the ice. "It sure does and you should wear one too if you are an Aquarius", came a coy reply. I smiled to look at this girl who was clearly more into gems and zodiac signs than me. The casual chat lasted for long and I knew I had met someone special.
We soon discovered there was more to us than amateur gemology or make believe zodiacs. Life was never going to be the same for me for the next couple months were almost surreal. It was the best thing to happen to me and I was really lucky to have someone like her in my life. But as time went by, she wanted more from the relationship until she finally dropped the "M" bomb on me. I freaked out a bit I guess. Marriage was not on my mind, not yet at least. But no matter how hard I tried to tell her, she was already carried away into the fantasy. I wanted to build a career for myself. Marriage and family would always come later for me. Love and Marriage were absolutely two different things for me. But nothing I spoke would convey what I really wanted to say. And so I played along. She wanted a gala wedding, so I fabricated one for her. She wanted a picturesque life, so I painted one for her. She wanted surreal things to make her life complete, and I lied on every occasion just so that I could avoid telling her the truth. Things would take care of themselves said my naive mind, which was ill-equipped to deal with a situation like this.
The next I know, I was walking up to her bed side that morning. She was unaware of my presence. I was going to call it quits, but didn't have the courage to face her. I left her a note, saying that I was moving on, moving to a different city to take up a new job, and that it was best for us not to see each other or try to get in touch. That was very blunt of me, I didn't even bother to leave a contact number or a way to get in touch. I guess I knew of an email id which I was never going to check ever again and a number which I was never picking up calls from.
I left her to pursue a high flying career and never wanting to be shackled to a life which she so dearly wanted. Marriage was never on my mind, not at the time at least. For me, my career was soon becoming the only thing that I would work towards. I wanted to build something for myself. Maybe I was being selfish, but that was the way ahead, that I saw and chose to tread on. I would not have known what havoc that letter would unleash on her. I would not have imagined what pain it would inflict on her. I would not have perceived that I would be the one to bring down the world around her like that. Never did I want to push her to the edge. Things are probably happening for the best is how I consoled myself. I would never have known that my betrayal would cost her her life.
I was detached from her world, hot on trails of a career that I was chasing. I threw myself into the process and never ceasing until I climbed a step of the corporate ladder and then another. I was being blinded by my ambition, fueled by my hunger to make it to the top. A year down the line, I came to know of what had befallen her and how she choose to embrace death, tired of waiting on me and the depression I caused had driven her to the edge. I was in disbelief but at the same time denying that I had anything to do with it. The note I left was the final closure for me. She should have known better. A life isn't something you throw away. But how do you explain that to someone whose entire reason to be, had become you. I had failed to realize what we meant to each other and that it were still possible to chase my dreams with her by my side. That moment hit home and I was for loss of words.
It was too late to do anything about it. I was guilty as hell but instead of mulling over it, I chose to lock that past away in deep recesses of my mind and continue life as I knew it. Diving deep into work was the only way I knew to do something about it, and so for the next couple years or so I just worked and worked and worked, alienated from friends and family, spending holidays at work and vacations at home working on future projects and important office matter. I was successfully escaping my past until today when I met Bala and realized the true meaning of the word "Betrayal". Not only had I betrayed her by refusing to be a part of her life, but that denial made me keep true happiness out of my life as well. The journey would have been priceless if she were with me every moment of the way. The memories we would create over time, would have been a mirror into our lives and what it meant to both of us. I was a fool trying to measure success by my bank balance and job promotions. I thought I was better off with no emotional baggage but that hadn't made me strong in any way. If anything, I was a coward trying to run away from my past. I was a failure at life by the same degree as I was successful at my profession. All that success was a facade around me that came crashing down when I realized the terrible consequences of my thoughtless actions. My last goodbye to Bala reassured me that the thing I was about to do, would redeem me from all this. My hands waved him a silent goodbye as I promptly obeyed gravity.
I braced for contact. The sight of the bridge was almost a blur when the ice cold water rushed around to gulp me down. The eventuality of my actions was finally here. My outstretched hands tried to grab onto something ... anything ... to pull me out to safety. The impact should have killed me, but in a cruel act of mercy, I had survived for some more time to soak in whatever was still to come. The unforgiving cold water brutally gripped me, crushing any hopes of escape. Not that I had any intentions to do so. With the murky water splashing around me, obscuring my senses, I surrendered to the inevitable. I have been consumed by selfishness, riddled with guilt, running from my past with little success, trying to make amends, all the while failing to realize that the thing I thought would hold me back would have been the best thing to liberate me and fulfill a happier, more complete life. All of this comes to an end as I finally make peace with this life. If you can hear me, here is what I have to say, "Sorry for all that I did, and hope to see you on the other side".
"Redemption", I replied. And as I gazed back into Bala's eyes, which met mine with a bewildered look, I already knew what I had to do. I had spent past few minutes of my life trying to gather enough courage to do this. And I let myself off the bridge. Bala never would have got the time to react and I could see the horror in his eyes as I fell away and beyond his sight.
Gravity did its job. The faithful friend hadn't betrayed, I thought to myself. The expected, yet unexpected, fall got my adrenaline pumping. In that rush, time seemed to slow down and so did my heartbeats, as I started registering things happening around me. The enormous steel structure of the bridge over me was shrinking in its demeanor and at an alarming rate at that. The dark moonless sky above granted an overwhelming sense of volume and how small I stood in comparison. I could feel the chills of the night and the gust of the wind tumultuously playing with my hair and jacket. The flutter only got louder and more prominent as I plunged down further.
As the view around me shrunk as time went by, a familiar face seemed to call out to me for a final rendezvous. Boy was I glad to see her after so long. The serene look on her face and the innocence in her eyes seemed to sooth me. But as I looked closer, a small tear drop rolling down her face caught my eye. What had she done to deserve it. And I knew no one was to be blamed for that, but me!
My thoughts raced to the day I met her. A chance meeting at the museum, the least likely place I would have ever imagined to meet someone like her. I guess the mutual interest in semi-precious stones and natural crystals sparked something between us. I stole at glance at her from across the glass enclosure, while she was busy looking at these glittering pieces of natural beauty. Each with a story of its own. "An Amethyst attracts good luck and love and also helps calm you down", I said nonchalantly as I walked up besides her, looking at a captivating crystal in front of us. I never knew my casual knowledge about gems and minerals would ever help me break the ice. "It sure does and you should wear one too if you are an Aquarius", came a coy reply. I smiled to look at this girl who was clearly more into gems and zodiac signs than me. The casual chat lasted for long and I knew I had met someone special.
We soon discovered there was more to us than amateur gemology or make believe zodiacs. Life was never going to be the same for me for the next couple months were almost surreal. It was the best thing to happen to me and I was really lucky to have someone like her in my life. But as time went by, she wanted more from the relationship until she finally dropped the "M" bomb on me. I freaked out a bit I guess. Marriage was not on my mind, not yet at least. But no matter how hard I tried to tell her, she was already carried away into the fantasy. I wanted to build a career for myself. Marriage and family would always come later for me. Love and Marriage were absolutely two different things for me. But nothing I spoke would convey what I really wanted to say. And so I played along. She wanted a gala wedding, so I fabricated one for her. She wanted a picturesque life, so I painted one for her. She wanted surreal things to make her life complete, and I lied on every occasion just so that I could avoid telling her the truth. Things would take care of themselves said my naive mind, which was ill-equipped to deal with a situation like this.
The next I know, I was walking up to her bed side that morning. She was unaware of my presence. I was going to call it quits, but didn't have the courage to face her. I left her a note, saying that I was moving on, moving to a different city to take up a new job, and that it was best for us not to see each other or try to get in touch. That was very blunt of me, I didn't even bother to leave a contact number or a way to get in touch. I guess I knew of an email id which I was never going to check ever again and a number which I was never picking up calls from.
I left her to pursue a high flying career and never wanting to be shackled to a life which she so dearly wanted. Marriage was never on my mind, not at the time at least. For me, my career was soon becoming the only thing that I would work towards. I wanted to build something for myself. Maybe I was being selfish, but that was the way ahead, that I saw and chose to tread on. I would not have known what havoc that letter would unleash on her. I would not have imagined what pain it would inflict on her. I would not have perceived that I would be the one to bring down the world around her like that. Never did I want to push her to the edge. Things are probably happening for the best is how I consoled myself. I would never have known that my betrayal would cost her her life.
I was detached from her world, hot on trails of a career that I was chasing. I threw myself into the process and never ceasing until I climbed a step of the corporate ladder and then another. I was being blinded by my ambition, fueled by my hunger to make it to the top. A year down the line, I came to know of what had befallen her and how she choose to embrace death, tired of waiting on me and the depression I caused had driven her to the edge. I was in disbelief but at the same time denying that I had anything to do with it. The note I left was the final closure for me. She should have known better. A life isn't something you throw away. But how do you explain that to someone whose entire reason to be, had become you. I had failed to realize what we meant to each other and that it were still possible to chase my dreams with her by my side. That moment hit home and I was for loss of words.
It was too late to do anything about it. I was guilty as hell but instead of mulling over it, I chose to lock that past away in deep recesses of my mind and continue life as I knew it. Diving deep into work was the only way I knew to do something about it, and so for the next couple years or so I just worked and worked and worked, alienated from friends and family, spending holidays at work and vacations at home working on future projects and important office matter. I was successfully escaping my past until today when I met Bala and realized the true meaning of the word "Betrayal". Not only had I betrayed her by refusing to be a part of her life, but that denial made me keep true happiness out of my life as well. The journey would have been priceless if she were with me every moment of the way. The memories we would create over time, would have been a mirror into our lives and what it meant to both of us. I was a fool trying to measure success by my bank balance and job promotions. I thought I was better off with no emotional baggage but that hadn't made me strong in any way. If anything, I was a coward trying to run away from my past. I was a failure at life by the same degree as I was successful at my profession. All that success was a facade around me that came crashing down when I realized the terrible consequences of my thoughtless actions. My last goodbye to Bala reassured me that the thing I was about to do, would redeem me from all this. My hands waved him a silent goodbye as I promptly obeyed gravity.
I braced for contact. The sight of the bridge was almost a blur when the ice cold water rushed around to gulp me down. The eventuality of my actions was finally here. My outstretched hands tried to grab onto something ... anything ... to pull me out to safety. The impact should have killed me, but in a cruel act of mercy, I had survived for some more time to soak in whatever was still to come. The unforgiving cold water brutally gripped me, crushing any hopes of escape. Not that I had any intentions to do so. With the murky water splashing around me, obscuring my senses, I surrendered to the inevitable. I have been consumed by selfishness, riddled with guilt, running from my past with little success, trying to make amends, all the while failing to realize that the thing I thought would hold me back would have been the best thing to liberate me and fulfill a happier, more complete life. All of this comes to an end as I finally make peace with this life. If you can hear me, here is what I have to say, "Sorry for all that I did, and hope to see you on the other side".
Oct 5, 2015
Pseudo Friends
So Facebook shows me a list one day
Of people I may know
Turns out these strangers that I see
Are friends of a friend of a friend I know
Is this six degree of separation
My way to let my friend circle grow
But how do I click that button yet
To befriend some stranger I barely know
Or maybe I have known them for long
With their updates flooding my wall
A friend of a friend, likes or comments
And I wonder why I have to read it all
In this flurry of ludicrous updates
I desperately look for people I know
And all I see them do
Is like or comment about someone I don't know
And what's with the videos please
Displayed on my update feed
Am I being fed with bits and pieces
Of info I don't care or need
Long gone are the conversations
I used to have with friends
Walks down the memory lane
With stories to cherish in the end
People online are just busy now
With likes, shares and what not
Mindlessly tapping on those links
Believing that's what friendship is all about
Well, think really hard now
When was the last time you truly connected
Had a really long conversation
With memories resurrected
Social media as we know it
Is just messing with your head
You are linked online, apparently in touch
But the essence of friendship is probably dead
So folks don't mind if
I don't add you in the end
Maybe not adding anyone at all
Is better than having a pseudo friend
Of people I may know
Turns out these strangers that I see
Are friends of a friend of a friend I know
Is this six degree of separation
My way to let my friend circle grow
But how do I click that button yet
To befriend some stranger I barely know
Or maybe I have known them for long
With their updates flooding my wall
A friend of a friend, likes or comments
And I wonder why I have to read it all
In this flurry of ludicrous updates
I desperately look for people I know
And all I see them do
Is like or comment about someone I don't know
And what's with the videos please
Displayed on my update feed
Am I being fed with bits and pieces
Of info I don't care or need
Long gone are the conversations
I used to have with friends
Walks down the memory lane
With stories to cherish in the end
People online are just busy now
With likes, shares and what not
Mindlessly tapping on those links
Believing that's what friendship is all about
Well, think really hard now
When was the last time you truly connected
Had a really long conversation
With memories resurrected
Social media as we know it
Is just messing with your head
You are linked online, apparently in touch
But the essence of friendship is probably dead
So folks don't mind if
I don't add you in the end
Maybe not adding anyone at all
Is better than having a pseudo friend
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