Holding onto souvenirs is a bad idea

You may deny it a thousand times, but yes we were on a date that day. You see girl, spending two hours with a guy you met a few weeks back, having coffee and then dinner is technically a date. But yea you weren't your usual self that day. Stress at work was clearly showing on your face and I would have wanted to cheer you up and have a great time together. But I guess something at work was still troubling you. After desserts the waiter graced us with the bill. See now this is the time when the guy has his chauvinism on peak display. He just has to flash his credit card or fish out some high denomination note from his wallet. But you wouldn't let me do either. I would have settled the bill but you insisted on sharing and to prove your point you left a hundred rupees note on the table. Lady that is a generous tip to pay at a not-so-fancy restaurant and I think I cut the waiter's joy short when I took it back. You wouldn't take it back either, so for lack of options I kept it with me.

Little did I know that that note would become a souvenir for me. A reminder of that first date with you and a forerunner of good times to come. Yes I yearned for a good time together and maybe a good future too hoping that things would become more meaningful between us. But that calling never came. You chose to move to another city and I knew I could not make a long distance relationship work. This is what I learned later : Proximity rules! You just can't drift away, try to keep in touch and expect to get back together some day. Proximity gives a chance to nurture things and be cautious when things go wary. But you were never to give me that chance, were you?

The night before you left, I told you that I still see good things ahead and that there could be an "us". I knew because I would have worked towards it but you had your doubts. I could see myself losing the ground. Denial was something which I wasn't fully prepared for. In an attempt to salvage things, I reminded you of our date and how I still have that hundred rupee note with me. I told you I would keep it with me for ever, never spend it and you could help me by signing your name on it. I would keep it as a souvenir with me for my entire life. I am happy you obliged but that happiness was short lived when I saw what you had written. "Best wishes ... " is all that you could come up with ... making all my previous words seem empty.

That should have been a final good bye for us. And I wish things could be that easy for me, but now that note had become my prized possession. I told myself never to spend it or damage it in any way. I kept in my wallet for good luck. "Best wishes" is what you wrote on it remember!

Years went by and every time I saw it I would be reminded of the series of events. No they did not trouble me any more. I had learnt to deal with it but yes the fact that I still held onto some weird connection with the past made me feel if at all I would ever have that courage to step forward and tread on the path life laid ahead.

And one day it was gone! A moment of shock was followed by a sinking feeling of how could I have possibly managed to lose it. As I later found out, my younger sister had taken it out of my wallet for some urgent need of cash. She wouldn't have known the price of that note. Not at all! It was priceless for a lot of reasons and now it was gone. I could have grieved longer but it was then I realised that holding onto it was actually holding me back. Learning to let it go was not something that I was prepared to do but I managed to cope with it. It no longer troubled me that it was gone now. I was indeed holding onto it for no real reason. Just an urge to dwell in the past and escape reality for some time. I was not angry at my sister for touching my stuff, I was not blaming fate for turning out things the way they were now and I was not yearning to get back to what was before.

I have come a long way since I had tough luck with love. Time heals and things change but this therapy works only if you don't have that urge to hold onto anything. Memories, memorabilia, gifts, cards ... nothing is worth holding onto when it is all over. Learn to let go. Seems difficult but not entirely impossible.

Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

Went into the meeting anyway
Thinking am I the scapegoat of the day
Came out feeling better, not one bit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

Sit down he said its going to take long
And I think I could hear someone play the funeral song
The cold vibe I was getting, just did it
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

He went on to tell me all that I did not do
No weekly reports, No timesheets, No lack of initiative will do
No this no that, every excuse to deem me unfit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!!

You analyse well, design and code well too
But your review mistakes no one can undo
You also need to improve on the technical bit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

He wasn't even started yet on project quality
He could have dished out my mistakes till eternity
For all those messed up things he faced in audit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

I wondered am I that bad at it
All the toil now seems like exploit
All the good work and no credit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

And then he says look on the brighter side
You are bad no doubt but worse could be it
And I see no improvement one tad bit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

As the discussion drooled along
I prayed god make me strong
Today he wasn't handing me a clean chit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

Out of the meeting now and I feel lighter
Maybe wiser and somewhat happier
Only to realise that all this is bullshit
But for the record ... my appraisal got hit!!

These were few things on which I pondered
Its not that bad is what I wondered
Four years now, am waiting for my gold biscuit
Who cares if my appraisal got hit!!

Vineyard Weekend

I am a huge movie buff and if it were a good movie with great actors and awesome direction, chances are that I have already seen it. And so I was watching this movie on HBO, A Good Year, starring Russel Crowe. The movie shows how he has a very fast pace life in London where he works as an investment banker. He is too busy making money and has no time to rest. He learns that his uncle has left him a chateau and some vineyards in France and has intentions of selling off the property. He couldn't possibly live there as his life was in London. So the property dealing takes him to this beautiful chateau which brings back memories of his childhood and how his uncle taught him the fine art of wine tasting. He had a passion for wines then which somehow got lost as he grew up. He is in for a whole lot of surprises when he lands up at his chateau and ends up living there for a week. This is when he comes to realise how great rustic life can be. He discovers love, a fulfilling laid back life and a legacy of wine making which eventually makes him give up his London dreams.

The movie is wonderful, no doubt. But it made me all the more curious about wines and vineyards. The wine industry is making it big in India especially in the city of Nashik. The cool climate and favorable soil conditions have made it possible to cultivate wine grapes and produce wine of the finest quality. The more I heard about wineries in India the more curious I was to visit such a facility. And no sooner did I discover this place at just a stones throw from my uncle's home in Nashik. Well it had been around for many years, but I guess it was only now that I cared to notice.

In a recent weekend trip to Nashik, I made it a point to visit this place. We all hopped into the car and headed for the vineyard just outside the city limits. It was cool and a bit windy. The sun shied behind the clouds making for a perfect weather for a small trip like this.

With just few kilometers of drive, I realised what this city had to offer which my hometown did not. Heavy industrialization in Pune has left the surroundings barren. One does not get to see the greenery around. This, coupled with wider roads and taller buildings, has changed the landscape beyond recognition. The road I was driving on was a complete contrast. Lush greenery with cultivated land all around made this rustic landscape very pleasant.

The drive was a short one as we made it to the vineyard in about half an hour. What struck us first, was the location. Acres of vineyards surrounding the facility, which was slightly on higher land such that it overlooked a nearby dam and its vast water reservoir. It wasn't a very big place, but boasted of a fine dine restaurant, a lounge, a terrace top hotel and of course their wine processing and bottling plant. We were eagerly greeted and encouraged to have a look around. They had quick tours of the facility followed by a wine tasting session for a nominal price. My family was interested in seeing around but a bit apprehensive about drinking wine, especially my mom. But my persuasion helped and everyone agreed.

The tour was a quick one, but the escort made it a point to explain the entire process, from plucking to crushing grapes to bacteria seeding to fermentation to stabilization to ageing to bottling, in great detail. It is a long drawn process and the wine gets better as it ages. We had many questions, some presumptions, some inhibitions but as we talked on, we got to know more details about how to store wine, what age is right to consume it, et al. I also got busy with clicking some snaps around the place.

After spending enough time in the wine manufacturing section we headed to the lounge for wine tasting session. This promised to be the most exciting part of the trip. The lounge was a pretty cool place with tables made from wooden barrels and many varieties of wine bottles on display. I guess the shape and color of these bottles is just one dimension that arouses peculiar interest in alcohol. Though the taste and after effects of consumption may not appeal to all. The session had six varieties to offer. Each one served in small portions. They started with simple etiquette about holding the glass by the stem, and then swirling the wine in it followed by instructions to taking in the aroma. We learnt to tell a wine glass from a champagne flute and also something as basic as telling a red wine from a white. It was something very unique and very enjoyable. I felt I was a wine connoisseur and with my wisdom on wines and years of experience in wine tasting, I could make critical comments on what I was tasting. But I was only kidding myself.

That was just the beginning. we had five more varieties to try. As the escort explained each variety, with the kind of grape it is made from and how it matures as it ages, we could feel the difference in tastes. Some were tangy, some smooth, some too young to enjoy, some the right age to be deeply appreciated. Words like Cabernet Sauvignon, Sauvignon Blanc, Rose wine, Sparkling wine started making their way into the conversation. Well, they didnt mean much to me, because all I knew was there is a red wine and a white wine and both are pretty expensive!

Rain gods blessed us while we were half way through. The entire landscape transformed into something surreal. I don't know if it was magic in the air or the wine had made me tipsy, but I was soaking in all that mother nature had to offer. Rain drops and wine drops alike. No sooner had the wine tasting started we got busy with photographs, everyone wanted one taken as they sipped on the varieties. My sister and cousins were enjoying it, so was my dad, but my mom was wary that a little would be too much. We don't have a drinking culture in the family, so seeing the entire family enjoying the experience and having no inhibitions about tasting alcohol was something different all together.

I had a chat with few people at the facility. They explained how India is now opening up to wines and people prefer it when dining and consume regularly for it medical benefits. Things are changing and they want to be the first ones to be there and establish themselves as a premium Indian wine brand. I thanked them for their hospitality, marvelled their wonderful facility and geared up to cherish the great experience . I told them about the Russel Crowe movie and how that stirred my interest. Ironically they had not heard of it. Seems Hollywood has a long way to go, if it were to reach rural India. They promised to put it in their must-watch list. I hope they will watch it soon.

With a bagful of memories to carry home and a glassful of wine in my system, we started back. I think I was physicologically high. I knew some wine wouldn't make me tipsy but the trip was definitely intoxicating me. Am sure others were under some influence as well because my sister blabbered something which I did not understand and I said something back which again I did not understand. Maybe the wine was having its effect after all.

While driving back my sister said something in complete senses though. She said that maybe I should meet a few prospective brides right away. Now that the wine had got me, I just might say yes. We all had a big laugh after this. And the joke got almost practical when, on our way back, we saw a wedding procession. She then said maybe they should kidnap the groom and put me in his place. It didn't matter who the bride was or how she looked! More guffaws in the car followed. I guess this will be one helluva trip to remember for days to come. Of course I took these marriage proposals as a joke. It will take more than a glass of wine for me before I say "I do".

All that I loved and lost

One day I found myself doing a curious introspection and was asking myself when or how exactly did I encounter this thing called love. Was it really love or sometimes disguised as a crush or a prolonged infatuation. I did some retrospection and let my memory take me back in time for a few months. Then a few years and then a few more. Things started pouring in as if someone had released the floodgates. If my memory serves me right, my encounter with this strange emotion dated as back as my school days.

Her name was Sandhya and we were in class seven. I blew her a kiss one day. No she wasn't watching and I realised what I had just done. Moment of shock soon turned to a smile on my face as I had just sensed the sweet feeling. But this was no more than a stupid infatuation followed by thoughtless action. Good that she never came to know about this.

A year down the line, she had left school. I wasn't exactly heartbroken. It had survived to be broken another day.

Soon enough the sight of Justine made me forget all about Sandhya. Justine was so gorgeous and I really thought she had the coolest job in the world. I'd watch all episodes of Lonely Planet which she hosted. Sometimes I'd wish she appear out of the tv and sit right in front of me. Travel and adventure was her life and through that show I could see the world while enjoying the company of a beautiful lady. A few episodes later Megan also joined the show. I liked her too. But for me, it had to be Justine.

If you still think that these were stupid infatuations, you are right. It took me a few more to eventually realize that there is more to it. Yes ... I am getting there.

Back in college, I really had one huge crush. The only problem was the whole college was crazy about her! Tough luck, but I managed a good friendship. A friendship good enough to keep me company on farewell evening, dancing to the disco tunes followed by a quiet dinner. Haven't seen her since graduation but I am sure she must be doing just fine. Did I forget to mention her name? She was Prati, my college crush for three years.

Graduation changed my life for good. I was ready to face the world. Had a new job that put me on the way to financial independence. And I was enjoying the work and the occasional "distractions" at office. I am not going to bore you with the names but yes, of them probably Geeta is one name that pops up among others. Rarely you come across such perfect combination of beauty and brains. I could not believe how multi faceted a person can be. Paintings, poetry, culinary skills would just be few to start with. Wouldn't really call it love or infatuation. Lets just say I cherish her friendship.

And then there was Sachi. Oh girl you taught me exactly how pride and snooty or sometimes curt behavior does no good to anyone. But I'd still admire you for having such good conversations with me. Maybe because I am a sweet talker or you are a good listener. The later one is probably correct. You were the kind of girl anyone would like to be seen with. I still get comments from my colleagues for that one time they saw me having coffee with you. What happened over coffee is something I'd rather leave to their imagination.

Do you think I am saving the best for the last? Well yes I am. Cause this was when I realised that all that I had been chasing so far were simply infatuations and the illusion wears away in no time. But with Megha, things were definitely different. I thank her for making me realize the difference between infatuation and love. Yes I now know what this strange emotion is. It is when you realise the other you. It completely brings out a different personality in you. A hidden side that you never realise. Things change for ever. I could feel them and see a long road ahead with her. I wanted to travel all along, do whatever it takes to make things work. Maybe she never made any promises but I went for it with all the faith I had. Few years down that road, I turned to my side and realised that I was alone. She had let go and gone separate ways. Wont blame her for her choice, but I cried on my plight for days to come.

So I guess with my retrospection complete, the search is still on. When, where or how exactly you come across this thing called love is a mystery. You could find it in the strangest of places and within most odd of circumstances. And as I look back now, any of these girls might have been worth the wait. Except Justine and Megan of course. People just don't pop out of television, do they! But I am past that point. That's what the book of life is all about. You close one chapter to start a new one. I will too. But maybe keep a few bookmarks on pages as reminders of what I may have loved and lost.

Those Moral Shades Of Gray

Throughout the growing years, a child is taught about the right from wrong, the virtues from the vices. Parents fiercely shield their kids from any harm that bad things can cause, teaching them high morals and struggling at making them better persons.

Probably they are so busy teaching them the good stuff, that they forget to teach them to identify and fight anything wrong. These kids step out into the world thinking that it is the safest and the most noble place, thanks to the pre-notion of the goodness instilled in them over the years. Things can change ugly pretty soon and then starts the struggle to find a morally right way to live the life ahead.

I am no different. I am usually on the morally good side of things. At least I am not known to lie, cheat or betray anyone. Given a situation, I can be trusted to be on the right side of things. This has helped bring out a strong positive side of me and with it comes a binding that I should not do any wrong.

But I am fed up of being good all the time. It is a virtuous way of life, but at the same time it is banal and very unadventurous. Being dictated by morally right way of things irks me sometimes. Being good all the time does not excite me as much as being a little bad would!

I don't want to be able to say yes to things all the time, when inside I am screaming to say no. Being curt at times should be the right thing to do. Maybe show some arrogance and attitude to get things done my way. Surely a little rudeness can do me no harm. When it comes to trust in relationships, would a little betrayal be that fatal? Maybe I could venture into it when I can see that things aren't going to work out. Why care for something when there isn't much to salvage. Will indulgence be that great a sin, if there are no strings attached? Will a little greed for more luxurious things in life, label me as vile for the rest of my life? Wanting more, being able to achieve it by whatever means possible and taking pride in the achievement; are these deemed to be strict no-no sins as well!

I think I have enough goodness in me to be able to venture into this dark side and come back unscathed after the debacle of being sinful for some time. I would want to spend some time in these moral shades of gray and realize how much bad is good enough. Draw a line to being as much sinful as possible, experience the thrill and adventure to be there and back. All in the process of understanding the good from the bad.

How else can I appreciate the goodness in me without coming face to face to my dark side and re-emerging virtuous?