Appraisal at gunpoint

Those who have been following my blogs probably know that I do not hold the job appraisal process in high regard. Especially in IT where appraisals are probably more rigged than the world cup cricket matches. So post appraisal, one could either be burdened with grief and low self esteem or emerge triumphant with an i-don't-give-a-damn attitude, metamorphosed into a being of steel, undeterred by the ball talk that just took place in closed glass room praying that the glass rather be sound proof because if it weren't, chances are that few others also heard the ridiculous, stereotypical, inconsequential talk and felt good about themselves by living in the bubble that their manager is a tad better. I am not even getting started on the victims of the normalization curve, a fancy tool and an unparalleled excuse to pitch an unaware soul into the danger zone. A career changing punishment which affects salary and promotions. Having given enough background on the topic, this is how I want my appraisal to be and may I pray that I survive IT long enough to see this one day.

A mail pops up in my inbox. A meeting invite. Subject says '1:1 Discussion'. I smirk. I know the end. What will follow is the beginning towards that end. I leave home early. I have preparation to do. Few more days I do the same. My actions are completely justifiable should someone ask me. But my manager makes a note of this. One more appraisal point is what he thinks. I don't want to correct him. Let him relish this until the day we cross swords.

D-day, d-time. I am cool, confident and colossally caffeinated. He is furiously typing something, filling out some online portal, jotting some notes, basically making his arsenal replete for a premeditated onslaught. He signals me to the meeting room and dashes off to collect some printouts from the printer. His walk is emphatic, face beaming. 'I am going to nail him this time' must be the words going through his mind. I am least bothered coz I have a plan. Years of appraisals have driven me to bring an end to things and this is how.

I make my way to the meeting room which I chose for a reason. I want to have the battleground advantage for my ambush. He sits in the chair which I leave unoccupied making himself invisible to the rest of the floor. I have a deep laugh. The bait has been taken. Bring it on.

He starts as usual. Managerial jargon that does not make any sense to me. After weapons like "proactiveness" and "initiative" have lost their sharp edge, he tries to strike me with new fire power like "ownership" and "book of work". Book of work ... 'bow' for short.... bow-wow!! I am not amused. And ownership as I understand is like raising a foster child. Someone initiates a project, bakes it half way and passes it on to someone convincing him that it is his baby from now on. The child may be down right arrogant but its easy to blame bad parenting.

Back at the table, some more precious minutes go by and I realize that its time to put my plan in action. I speak for the first time in a deep heavy voice to make it clear that what I say is not to be taken lightly. I am doing a perfect imitation of Vito Corleone from the Godfather but the nut head sitting across the table thinks that I have a sore throat. And I begin.

"I work for you on unrealistic deadlines, sacrificing my weekends and tiny joys of having tea in canteen, forfeiting my dates because I am working on Friday nights. And you think you can take such opportunities to humiliate me further by saying all that I do isn't good enough. There must be an end to this and that end has a price. I leave it to you to decide if it is a price you want to pay."

He is not believing what he hears and before his smile turns to anger, I make my move, making him go from being angry to bewildered to outright frightened. I place my Colt Python with its holder on the table. 'I want to end this' are my last words he hears before blacking out for a brief moment.

"Do you know what this is? Colt Python, the finest revolver ever made with its .357 caliber that, needless to say, is very lethal in short range. Peer into its nickel finish barrel while you wait for that bullet to be fired. Now listen."

"Your project management skills have made me forget words like faith, hope and mentoring. Over time I have lost motivation. Do you hear me? You fail to motivate me. The only thing I am motivated to do is place my Colt on your temple and pull the trigger. I may also go trigger happy riddling your arms and legs before letting the last bullet find its way into your head."

Dead silence.

"What happened? Never seen such a deadline before." I chuckle at that pun before continuing, "You still probably have enough time to come up with an analysis document on how did this situation ever arise. At your experience level, this is expected...."

By now he has a parched throat and is gasping for air.

"Let me make it easy for you. I will take out one bullet from the gun, spin the wheel for while and lock it back in. That leaves you with one chance at life. Make no mistakes. Probably this will make you feel the way I did when I was pushing that code to live. How uncertain I was, for I was all but a foster parent for it." Somehow creative literature gets the best of me at this point. I am surprised at myself. But again the moment itself is so dramatic.

"As you pass bricks in your pants, I am willing to reverse the probability. Lets just keep one bullet in the wheel and each of us takes a chance at pulling the trigger. Equal chance right? Here I go" and like a pro I pull the trigger to click at an empty chamber. That clicking sound sends an odd chill down his spine. He sweats incessantly as I see beads dripping off his nose and chin. "Your chance". He is trembling with fear, unable to comprehend what had lead to this extremity. Its not the hundredth blow that knocks down the wall, but the ninety nine that go before it as well. Someone ought to have told him that.

I pick up the revolver and place it on his temple. "I am making you an offer you cannot refuse", I say again with my Corleone imitation at its best. "I want an increment which I decide, a long term onsite and a promotion. Don't even try to make everyone in the team happy by passing these goodies like toffees to children. Its either all for me or a bullet for you. And should I pull the trigger, let me tell you I have booked this room for the next four hours. That's long after the last office creature has gone home. Take a look around. No one on the floor can see you or your plight. I have my aides telling people that you went home early due to health complaint so I doubt anyone will come looking for you. I will walk out of this place without raising any suspicion and come back later to reclaim my kill. The boot of my car is big enough to dispose two of your kind."

He is tongue-tied, white with fear but agrees to everything I say. He survives the day, learns some humility, understands that projects cant work without resources who are humans and not machines, relaxes some deadlines and even sponsors a movie outing for the team. A little hostility brings out the better side of him. I ponder, he isn't that bad, but high time he learns some people management lessons the hard way.

As for me I get what I want. Move to onsite of my choice at better designation, working diligently and enjoying life for the next six months until one fine day, I resign. Resign to join another IT giant because....

...I was given an offer I could not refuse. ;-)

Hell, this would be a dream appraisal for me. How about you?

Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

Went into the meeting anyway
Thinking am I the scapegoat of the day
Came out feeling better, not one bit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

Sit down he said its going to take long
And I think I could hear someone play the funeral song
The cold vibe I was getting, just did it
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

He went on to tell me all that I did not do
No weekly reports, No timesheets, No lack of initiative will do
No this no that, every excuse to deem me unfit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!!

You analyse well, design and code well too
But your review mistakes no one can undo
You also need to improve on the technical bit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

He wasn't even started yet on project quality
He could have dished out my mistakes till eternity
For all those messed up things he faced in audit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

I wondered am I that bad at it
All the toil now seems like exploit
All the good work and no credit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

And then he says look on the brighter side
You are bad no doubt but worse could be it
And I see no improvement one tad bit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

As the discussion drooled along
I prayed god make me strong
Today he wasn't handing me a clean chit
Oh shit! My appraisal got hit!!

Out of the meeting now and I feel lighter
Maybe wiser and somewhat happier
Only to realise that all this is bullshit
But for the record ... my appraisal got hit!!

These were few things on which I pondered
Its not that bad is what I wondered
Four years now, am waiting for my gold biscuit
Who cares if my appraisal got hit!!

The Appraisal Aftermath

Once a year every employee has to go through the appraisal process. Double the woes if its a bi-annual one. Its the time when you are told how good you could have been but how bad you really are. Urged to work on the weaknesses but never suitable rewarded for the strengths. Also thrown in are the typical mumbo jumbo of being proactive and taking the initiative and you come out of the appraisal meeting just as clueless as you were when you went in. Although words like faith, expectations and morale have lost their meanings in the transit.

Till date almost all my managers have told me to be more proactive and take initiative. Well I do understand the words coming out of your mouth but what the hell do they mean? A senior colleague was kind enough to throw some light on the matter. After a mind numbing explanation, I thought I understood it well. But I was just fooling myself.

He was very good at it though. Always setting up important meetings , sending out invites to all, reminding them about the agenda, making quick gestures to run to the meeting room where the meeting started in five. I happened to attend one such meeting and never before had I seen anyone so tongue-tied in a discussion. So what were the invites and reminders and gestures all about? Only pep talk to prove the point, I presume. Hoping that the initiatives taken were noticed by someone, although no good ever came of it.

There was another proactive freak in my earlier company. Always ready with possible scenarios and solutions and nag everyone with anecdotal narration of how some of the proactive things done earlier paid off well. The boss just thinks of something that should be done and he is ready with it. A client needs to be sent some critical information which had come to light in recent discussion, but Mr. Proactive has already sent a mail the day before. My question is, if you are so good at peeking into the future and be ready with what your boss wants before he wants it, where the hell are you hiding your crystal ball in this office? Is it under your desk? Clearly you are too smart to work under someone like that. In fact, that someone should get demoted in the next appraisal.

Here's a thought. When I last went to such a meeting, it by no means was lesser than a war zone, where I was fighting it out, armed with client appreciation letters and thank you mails from onsite coordinators and the manager, aka "the enemy for the hour", just undermined the efforts by hurling grenades, with "proactive" and "initiative" written all over them, that gave away my position and I surrendered to be taken as a prisoner of war and made to work without tiring or complaining or taking leaves, destined to survive another year on same, if not a poorly appraised, salary. That these terms do have any comprehendible or implementable meanings or are just some pseudo jargon to boost an employee's sinking morale remains to be seen. There is no known record that generous use of such mumbo jumbo has actually boosted someones morale. I think of them more like prototypes of concept vehicles in an auto show. Awe inspiring but almost impossible to bring to the masses. Forget the masses, did the priest even practice what he just preached. There was no initiative to promote me nor was there any proactive move to help the management notice me! I stay put, doing my work which goes on as usual. It is better off without the impetus that the deceptive jargon intends to make.

What would such highly initiated proactive people , if at all they aren't a myth, say about themselves the day they start putting the '-tives' to use. Would it be like, "I took the initiative to be proactive everyday" or  maybe something like "I want to be proactive in taking this initiative" or maybe even attract severe criticism like "His proactiveness killed the initiative". I really don't know what to say. 

I have my appraisals coming soon. Maybe its time to be proactive and take the initiative to find better avenues.

Pay Day

It was the most anticipated day in recent times. For almost a year I worked without giving much attention to how much I take home. What I took home was enough to buy me food, pay my bills, buy me another pair of jeans, occasionally spoil myself at some good restaurant or go bowling with friends. But things were about to change. My paycheck was about to put on a little weight. And with the anticipation, anxiety and nervousness were on the rise.

To make things better, I had a windfall. I certainly did not see a promotion coming my way. I mean, I badly wanted it. But with all the diplomatic talk I had with my seniors, likeliness of a change in my job title was slim. I wasn't thinking much about it but a fatter paycheck was certainly on my mind. I said to myself, if I reach a certain figure, I might consider buying a car. The prospect of owning my very first car made me feel great. It was an elated feeling and I couldn't wait for the dream to come true.

And so the moment drew on. Soon the word went around that new pay scales were out and employees could check their online accounts. With great expectations, I logged on. Only to frown and log off immediately. Seems the new car would still be a distant dream. I fared low on my own expectations. Being appraised at an average scale did not amuse me. I had put in more efforts than the year before. I was certainly discontent. A few quick calculations of how much more could I be taking home did nothing to cheer me. Gloom was the color of the day. I did not feel like working for rest of the day. That's what happens when expectations are not met.

I left office in the same mood. Man it sucked! Sucked to know that things were just average at work. Sucked that all the hard work and promotion did not bear much monetary fruit. I needed something to cheer me. And I knew just the thing to do.

As I steered my way through the city traffic, riding my bike, I took a long detour on my way home. I rode through the outer perimeter of the city, watching the sun go down and disappear. Watched the green pastures of land with patches of concrete houses cropping in between. Rode by a serene lake. Someone was there still hoping to catch fish along the banks. The entire trip back home was soothing and truly therapeutic in a way. Just an hour ago, I was discontent, displeased and disappointed deep down. And here I was, experiences something totally different. The sinking feeling I had all afternoon had ebbed away.

By the time I reached home, I was in a jolly good mood. I had my favorite food for dinner and then celebrated my pay rise and promotion with some hot chocolate and ice cream. Cherry on top. The momentary agony of not meeting my own expectations had eluded me now.

The next day, I smiled and started for work. A new day with new possibilities, new challenges and of course a new dream. A bigger better car. Maybe next year.