Those Moral Shades Of Gray

Throughout the growing years, a child is taught about the right from wrong, the virtues from the vices. Parents fiercely shield their kids from any harm that bad things can cause, teaching them high morals and struggling at making them better persons.

Probably they are so busy teaching them the good stuff, that they forget to teach them to identify and fight anything wrong. These kids step out into the world thinking that it is the safest and the most noble place, thanks to the pre-notion of the goodness instilled in them over the years. Things can change ugly pretty soon and then starts the struggle to find a morally right way to live the life ahead.

I am no different. I am usually on the morally good side of things. At least I am not known to lie, cheat or betray anyone. Given a situation, I can be trusted to be on the right side of things. This has helped bring out a strong positive side of me and with it comes a binding that I should not do any wrong.

But I am fed up of being good all the time. It is a virtuous way of life, but at the same time it is banal and very unadventurous. Being dictated by morally right way of things irks me sometimes. Being good all the time does not excite me as much as being a little bad would!

I don't want to be able to say yes to things all the time, when inside I am screaming to say no. Being curt at times should be the right thing to do. Maybe show some arrogance and attitude to get things done my way. Surely a little rudeness can do me no harm. When it comes to trust in relationships, would a little betrayal be that fatal? Maybe I could venture into it when I can see that things aren't going to work out. Why care for something when there isn't much to salvage. Will indulgence be that great a sin, if there are no strings attached? Will a little greed for more luxurious things in life, label me as vile for the rest of my life? Wanting more, being able to achieve it by whatever means possible and taking pride in the achievement; are these deemed to be strict no-no sins as well!

I think I have enough goodness in me to be able to venture into this dark side and come back unscathed after the debacle of being sinful for some time. I would want to spend some time in these moral shades of gray and realize how much bad is good enough. Draw a line to being as much sinful as possible, experience the thrill and adventure to be there and back. All in the process of understanding the good from the bad.

How else can I appreciate the goodness in me without coming face to face to my dark side and re-emerging virtuous?

His world of standups : The long and short of it

After the success of a series of comedy reality shows, stand up comedy was getting a new recognition in the country. Anybody who was a nobody, but had observed life in all its aspects to represent it in a likable, rib tickling, unique style wanted his fifteen minutes of fame. Rehman was ecstatic about this. He knew he was better than most and was sure that destiny had a plan for him to make it big in the stand up world.

A few rejections at auditions did not deter him and he put relentless efforts for the next ones. But he soon realised that he was never to make it that far. His mediocre family background did not allow him to pursue sky high dreams without leaving ground. Realising that soon enough, he decided to use his talent to earn him a living. He was soon making laughter riots at a local bar. His keen observation of the world around him, his knack to feel the pulse of his city, Mumbai, gave him enough fodder to present acts of the finest quality. The twisted alleys of Mumbai had never seen such a upfront portrayal of their world, but they were loving every minute of it.

And though his fame had not spread beyond those gallis and mohallahs, and the measly income he got for his stand up acts wasn't enough to make his life a tad bit better, he found solace in making people laugh and forget their woes for a moment. The people who cheered for him were boys from local restaurants, the occasional rickshaw wallas and people selling food at small road side shops. Everyone had their struggles in life and their agony found the right antidote while hearing Rehman perform. They would put their troubles behind as they watched him mimic their favorite actors and best loathed politicians. Rehman had a impeccable timing which left the audience asking for more. He was certainly not a jack of his trade, but a master in his own sense. And after making people laugh out loud, till they dropped off their chairs and rolled on the floor, he would make a quiet exit and disappear behind the makeshift stage and into the alleys of his neighborhood.

His humor was the only thing that kept him going. His own life had become nothing more than a foul joke. A joke played by destiny and left alone by fate to bear the consequences. Amidst struggling to make ends meet, Rehman was diagnosed with cancer at a stage where he did not have the luxury to be treated. It wasn't too late, but he just could not afford it. The ongoing medication was diminishing his meagre savings faster than he could replete them again.

He could see it coming . But did not let his plight affect his performance on stage that day. In the true showman spirit, he made a larger than life entry on the stage and started with flair. Occasionally wiping off the beads of sweat from his face, he delivered a very likable caricature of a local goon. People laughed at this portrayal of a man who otherwise could inflict enough terror in their hearts. The act became all the more hilarious when the goon got elected and was storming his way into the assembly. People could not take enough of it. The flawless act, bringing the grays shades of crime, politics and an entire satire on life in a city like Mumbai, was show stealer of the night. People laughed and clapped and hooted for every punch line Rehman had to offer.

Rehman finished with a bang and ran backstage only to break into an uncontrollable fit of convulsive cough. The pain was unbearable, he could feel the walls closing in on him. He wanted to cry for help, but the thunderous clapping muffled his coughs and cries. He fell to the ground, waiting for his last breath to pass, while people shouted out his name for an encore.

They say laughter is the best medicine. But this was one medicine, Rehman knew, could not cure him. Instead he chose to cure worries and frustrations of everyone else in those alleys and make them forget harsh realities of life albeit for just a few minutes. This messenger of laughter had done his job and he looked up to the moonless sky above as he closed his eyes for the last time. He knew he would not be making the encore.

Each day is my second chance

I know I made you feel awkward, when I turned up at your doorsteps and made a clumsy proposal. That was the best I could do. I wasn't thinking the right from the wrong nor anything about the perfect from the disaster that day turned out to be. I kept calling you, begging you to come downstairs and meet me. But you didn't.

I had brought roses for you that day. Hoping they would say things better than I would and the card they carried, had a song written on it. Something which I would have wanted to sing to you, but mustered enough courage to barely write it down. You petrify me. One look and my heart is beating faster, perhaps even missing a few beats. I can feel the ecstasy in the air. All this and more and I wish there were a better way to explain myself.

The wait would have been worth it. But you did not turn up. Confused, afraid, fuming or even disgusted? I wouldn't have known. But I chose to give it some time and as days went by you could see the other side of me. Appreciate me for who I am and may have even forgiven my clumsy moments. 

Despite the fiasco, you are still here with me today. I really want to know. Would I have made an impression on you that day? Would my "charms", if I were to call them so, have worked on you? Don't answer that. I wouldn't know what to do if you said No. But you are still here. That should mean something. Its been a few months since and I want to make a confession today.

I realise that all I did for you that day was not a farce, not some cheap trick that I was trying to pull off. But winning you over was the most sane thing I could have thought in recent time. I thank you for not flicking me away from your life as some insignificant thing. And with that came some hope and I am in pursuit, willing to go far to see if my charms ever work on you because yours sure have had their effect on me. So until you say yes, each day is my second chance.

See Through My Eyes

I happened to see this scene from a movie starring Russel Crowe, seemed like an old movie, he was quite young in it. Nevertheless, this is not about Crowe, but in the scene he was giving directions to his friend to point and shoot a picture of him in the frame. The guy clicking the photo was a blind person. He was a blind photographer asking people in front of the camera to tell him where to point and he would just capture the picture on count of three. Interestingly this got me thinking and have been toying with the idea for a blog since. I did not follow the rest of the movie. I am sure it must have been good. But the thoughts started rolling for a good blog. Lets see how far I reach with this....

He had surrendered to life. Not that he struggled for as long as he could. But he finally came to terms that he could never see again. The darkness around him must have been haunted with flashes of the horrific accident that left him sightless. Its sometimes shocking to see what life can turn out to be in a split second. The inevitable could have been avoided had he seen the advancing vehicle coming from the opposite direction. But now all he had for himself, was the darkness and a white cane to find his way.

He was quite lucky though, to have friends and family who looked after him well and never made him feel lonely or lost. They wanted to make sure that he always had something to look forward to in life. But all they could really do was be the support, should he need it. It was up to him to really get back to his life. And getting back to a life of darkness wasn't exactly what he really wanted.

All had gathered that day to celebrate his twenty fifth birthday. There was a frail sign of happiness on his face that day. Everyone cheered but no one could really lighten up his face. He should have been happy. But he wasn't. After dinner they all settled to open the presents that were brought for him. He thanked people for their kind gifts but wondered whether he would ever be able to see how beautiful they were or even find some use for them. The last gift was from his friend. He opened the box to find something heavy inside. He took it in his hands to feel it for himself. Even before he could ask what it was, she answered "Its a camera". After a long pause, he broke down into tears. Of what use could a camera possibly be to him. He thought it was a cruel joke. A mockery of his plight. She consoled him. She said she was sorry, but this camera was something which she had bought for him quite some time back. She wouldn't have known what was to come. What she did not tell him, was she wanted to win her way into his heart by giving him something special. She had their initials etched onto the camera. What hurt her now, was that he would never know, and she did not have the courage to tell him, should he turn it down assuming that she was doing him some kind of favor. She simply insisted him on keeping the camera.

Months passed. The camera was still new. The box unopened. The gift forgotten. She wanted him to embrace it and have no inhibitions about his blindness. One day she made him sit besides her and feel the camera. Understand how it worked and how it could bring into perspective the things that were around us. As she explained to him, he felt her soft hands caress his. He felt something in a long time. Something that would give him hope, a reason to live and look forward to new things in life. He agreed to use the camera. Still unsure when he would say "Say cheese" and click a snap of someone in front of him. Rather they came up with a different way to click the picture. The person standing in front of the camera would give directions as to where he stood and ask him to click the camera on a count of three. She was delighted to pose for his first picture. With a little to the left and a little up, she asked him to click her snap at count of three.

Over time, he really got hang of taking pictures this way and be it intuition or brilliant judgement, he always got a wonderful portrait of the person in front of him. Capturing rare emotions which are lost sometimes when people get too conscious to see a camera on their face. But here, they were a part of the process and enjoyed it very much. Many admitted that these were some of their best pictures ever taken. All this gave a new light to the darkness in his life. He could not thank her enough. But there was also something else he wanted to tell her. When he felt her hands when trying to get familiar with the camera, he also felt something wonderful for the first time. And though he remembered her face and admired how beautiful she looked, he guessed that getting to know her with just her touch or her sweet gentle voice had pushed him over the edge. He was in love. 

He decided he would tell her that day. She had helped him put up an exhibition of all the portraits that he had clicked. People were just in awe of how wonderful all the pictures were. They could not stop talking about it and congratulate him. He graciously accepted their wishes but could not wait to talk to her. After some time, when they were alone in the gallery, he took out his camera and asked her to smile for him. And no, he did not wait for a count to three. He just imagined her beauty and clicked a photo. He showed it to her and said "I want to see you smiling like this for the rest of my life. Would you ... ". She was looking at her best smile ever. She turned to him and said "Don't say another word. The answer is Yes!". He smiled and taking her by the hand, he ran her fingers over the initials etched on the camera and said "I guess you made the first move". She blushed and sealed their love with a kiss.

They got married a month later and though now he sees the world through her eyes, none can see it the way he does when he clicks his camera. Ironically, he would never see the photographs or the people that he clicked. But the appreciation he would get for them made every moment of his life worthwhile.

Walk Me To My Grave

Its a poem this time... not my first one though. About someone who has not been fortunate to have anything going right in his life. Just painful memories of futile struggle till failure. Here it goes ---

Woke up to a life of hardships

Each turn a test of strength and wits

Struggles kept wearing me out

Ruthlessly watching as I painfully shout

Bereft from home

I was struggling alone

As job milestones felt like a feat

Each year seemingly impossible to meet

Personal life was also a mess

With troubles I wish I could take less

And even love shied away

Never to bring me the glorious day

They say its better to have loved and lost

Than not have loved at all

Nothing but an optimist's muse, I'd say

Have to live with the loss at the end of the day

Life reduced to an aimless wandering

A ship without sails and minutes from sinking

Searched for success here and there

Made friends with failure everywhere

Maybe life is as good as it gets

But for me, it's just full of regrets

Can't take it, I am not that brave

Its time to walk me to my grave

This fruitless life deserves to die

That truth I cannot belie

Be the support no one gave

Please walk me to my grave